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Cardboard Cutouts Don’t Have Hearts

It’s easy to fall in love with the flawless love presented to us in romantic comedies. But if you pick the ideal version over the real one, you may end up snuggling with a cardboard cutout you find in the lobby of your local movie theatre.

Here’s an all too common scenario:

It’s movie night. Two snuggle bunnies are on the couch, bound together with a throw blanket. They couldn’t get closer…aw….they’re cute!

The movie begins– this week’s is lady’s choice: Pretty Woman. Very much on the chick flick, romcom end of the spectrum…but last week’s feature was Blades of Glory, so the couple, matched one for one, snuggle on.

These snuggle bunnies are movie talkers. They talk through every scene until someone loses the thread of the story,  in which case that person shushes the other, there’s a minute-long silence, and then one of them has another opinion about something and strikes up the movie talking again.

And this is a good system for these snuggle bunnies; they agree with one another on just about every comment and topic that’s introduced. Movie night is an interactive bonding experience for them.

So, there’s a prostitute and a rich guy who picks her up. So far, the snuggle bunnies have discussed how Richard Gere makes gray hair look good, and how redheads were considered harlots at some point in history. It’s been agreed: the jumpsuit that Julia Roberts is prostituting herself in is strange and unappealing, though it does show a lot of skin.

Since he’s absurdly wealthy, Richard Gere then decides that  he’s going to keep his prostitute for a few days past their night together – money’s no object, so he showers Julia Roberts’ character with finery, and all of a sudden, she’s gone from weird jumpsuit to breezy dresses.

She cleans up well! Oh, it’s like Cinderella! He treats her like a princess, too…” The female snuggle bunny says.

I can see that.” The male replies, unenthused.

A bit later, she requests that her partner hit the pause button, as a bathroom break is in order. The entire time she’s in disposed, she hears her partner blowing his nose.

What happened? An avalanche?” she asks, and is nearly reseated when he asks her to get him a beer.

The movie’s back on, and in ten minutes, only one snuggle bunny remains conscious and not snoring. As there’s no one to talk to anymore, she pays closer attention to the film, particularly to just how classy Richard Gere’s character is.

He can spot quality when he sees it, she thinks. It’s why he picked Julia Roberts up in the first place from that street corner.

At the end of the film, she throws the blanket off herself. What an ugly blanket! Old and patchy.

She looks at her man, asleep with his mouth parted, snoring, his tongue resting on his lower lip, looking like a sun-drenched cow.

No class, she thinks as she heads toward the bedroom, leaving him there.

She’s hanging her head with dramatic flair and to secretly note what her partner gave her to wear when she got out of the shower: a large green t-shirt featuring a winged squirrel.

He told her last week that he’d go shopping with her for a nightgown. She wonders if he knows what a nightgown is and if he thinks this green squirrelbird thing is one?

Before slipping off to sleep, she wonders if he knows that strawberries pair well with champagne. And if he doesn’t but she asks if he does, in a way that he could pretend he does in an effort to look classier, would he pretend he does? She hopes he would.

Though silly and seemingly dramatic, this scenario is actually not as far-fetched as it may seem.

According to BBC News article, “Rom-Coms ‘Spoil Your Love Life,'” “Rom-coms have been blamed by relationship experts at Heriot Watt University for promoting unrealistic expectations when it comes to love.”

You can read the full BBC article here.

Thus, it is important to keep these three principles in mind, should you find two attractive people in a film together, having a laugh, and falling in love:

  1. Everyone’s ugly sometimes.
  2. Unless someone has major crazy issues, his or her quirks could either be funny or grating to his or her significant other…just play some upbeat theme music in your head and voila! You’ll find the obnoxious person transformed into a charming figment of your own romantic comedy!
  3. The actors are only playing roles written for them. If you’re in love with a character, go find the writer; obviously he/she knows what to say to get you going.

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