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“Will Make Bed for Sex”

Frat boys don’t have the right idea.

In fact, it’s amazing to me that they get laid at all.

Women are all about feeling – the mood – when it comes to sex. If a guy’s room is scary, gross, weird, or too adorable (which is also weird), sex is a no-go activity. Read more >

How To Set Up Blind Dates (And Have Your Friends Still Like You After The Dates Are Over)

blindfold
I’ve been on a few blind dates.

For a 24 year old who started dating at age 16, I’ve been on way more than most people my age. If I hadn’t eventually found a boyfriend (who I did NOT meet as a result of a blind date), and kept going on blind dates at this rate, by the time I turned 60, I would have gone on approximately 38 blind dates. So, by this logic, you could practically call me an expert on blind dates and dating.

And I’ve never been on a good blind date. Read more >

Your Noisy and Rambunctious Bundles of Love are Driving Me Mad

scream and shout
Creative Commons License photo credit: mdanys

Dear irresponsible parents of noisy and rambunctious children,

I have an appeal for you. Well, two actually. And then, I’d like to close with a little motivational information for you.

Please read the entire appeal, even if you don’t want to hear it…I have to listen to your children – the noisy and rambunctious children of the world – for hours sometimes when I absolutely don’t want to; it seems only fair you read this letter, which should only take a few minutes. Read more >

We Go Together Like…

As a couple, picking complementary Halloween costumes can be more difficult than you’d first expect. All the couples you’ve seen have been dressing alike and making it seem like good ideas are few and far between this year.

Of course, that’s far from true. And if you stick to any of the following categories, you and your honey baby are bound to come out wearing something original.

Not to mention, if no one can figure your costumes out, it’s even better! You get the pleasure of informing ignorant couples just what your brilliant and original costumes are and then you get to act like you’re just oh, so over their obvious ones.

“You’re a pair of ghosts, right? What, were your mommies on vacation?”

That’s right. Snap!

Okay, let’s get started. Read more >

Why Everyone Looks Sexy In Red

Regent Street RedMaybe you’re the one who gets constantly glossed over by everyone.

You go to the bar with your friend, Lola (if you don’t like the name Lola, you can pick a different name), and you’re both hanging over the bar, trying to get the bartender’s attention.

Lola has giant bosoms and is always – this time being no exception – noticed first. It doesn’t matter that you have a shiny, winning smile – it’s dark in there and no one seems to care about dental hygiene when intoxicated. Read more >

10 Happily Missed Connections

Shopping Tour, Grand-rue, LuxembourgOver the years, I’ve frequently read the “Missed  Connections” section of newspapers for entertainment purposes exclusively.

I loved to think about the tremendous coincidence it would have to be for one stranger who places an ad to actually expect some other particular stranger to not only read the “Missed Connections” section, but that particular ad in the “Missed Connections” section, of that one, specific newspaper, and recognize some vague description of him or herself.

Then, I actually was skimming the “Missed Connections” section of craigslist and I came across a description that could have fit me.

My heart started beating rapidly – not because I was excited about the prospect of having a secret admirer, but because the ad was obviously written by a creepy person that I definitely would not want secretly admiring me. Read more >

6 Ways to Cry and Still Seem Like a Manly Man

Ok, bad example.

In our society especially, maintaining your status as a manly man means sauntering around like a superhero in street clothes. And superheroes express themselves by displaying their might, grunting when things get tough (or something’s a little heavy), and laughing in clusters of three “ha”s.

Superheroes do not cry.

Writers of the show Lois and Clark had Superman cry once. That show is no more.

Enough said.

Crying is a delicate matter for a manly man, especially if he’s crying in front of a woman. Women will make assumptions about a man who cries, whether they admit to it or not. If a manly man doesn’t proceed with caution, it’s likely he’ll besmirch his shiny masculinity with such an open display of his feelings, especially if he’s displaying them to a woman who doesn’t know him all that well.

Thus, if you’re manly man and you’re in a situation where the floodgates are parting and there aren’t any available bathrooms to which you can run for cover, follow these guidelines and you’ll keep your masculinity above the water:

1. LOOK LIKE THE MAN YOU ARE

The most important advice I have is to try and make yourself look attractive in a very masculine way. Meaning that you might be one of those sexy, dark skin men who can pull off pink shirts, but forget about it here. Pink is not going to help you look like a manly man in the event that you get all weepy.

Note: If you’re blonde and sporting pink, you might as well be wearing spandex and leg warmers.

And, if looking attractive is just not going to happen for you, the problem is easily solved by hitting the gym and producing impressive biceps and pectorals. You want to look like an imposing figure, even during moments of weakness. And just being overweight won’t work to make you seem bigger in a manly sense (unless you’re chubby with impressive biceps and pectorals) – you really don’t want the ‘big baby’ label; babies aren’t men.

2.DON’T TALK, DON’T GESTURE

Avoid the temptation to express yourself in any way mid-sob.

You want your voice to maintain its manly tenor; mid-sob speaking has your voice staggering around between alto and soprano land, Jiminy Glick style.

Your best bet for keeping a tight grip on your masculinity is through a dignified silence. Else, you’re certain to emit whiney baby vibes. And if woman responds favorably to whiney baby vibes, it’s not because she considers you a man who’s in touch with his emotional side (though she may refer to your emotional display as such out of courtesy or confusion):

It’s because, more likely than not, she’s always wanted to have a baby, and now she’s considering that having you is basically the same thing. Minus the hospital bills and the stretch marks.

Gesturing mid-sob is out, too, since you’ll end up flailing like a little birdie.

3. LYING YOUR ASS OFF IS A SURVIVAL TACTIC

If it’s the first time you’re crying in the presence of a woman, act like (but don’t tell her that) you’ve never cried before:

Touch the first of your tears and feign surprise upon discovering your cheeks are wet. Overact. Sweep away the first few tears with your finger tips and examine them in disbelief, like some people would when they discover they’re bleeding.

But no, you’re not most people – you’re used to bleeding. You’d look at blood like you’d look at your neighbor. Blood’s familiar to you. You bleed all that time; you’re a man!

Crying is what’s unfamiliar to manly men.

“What are these wet things sliding down my face? How’d they get there…Oh no, sweetie!” you’ll say in disbelief. “I think I’m crying…quick, call emergency services!”

Then later, make sure to tell her you haven’t cried since childhood, She’s the only one you’ve cried with, and it seems she awoke a part of you that you didn’t even know existed.

This way, if you cry around her in the future, she’ll blame herself.

4. LET THE WOMAN GET YOU A TISSUE

And under no circumstances should you ask for or go get one. Doing such a thing reveals that you’ve done this kind of thing before. That you know what you’re doing.

Keep in mind: tissues belong to the satiny world of baby bunnies and flowers, of which women are the guardians. The rule is that to acquire one for sniveling purposes (if you’re sick or have allergies or something, you’re off the hook on grounds of sinus overload), it must be given to you by a woman.

And so what happens if you’re a mess and no tissue gift has been bestowed upon you?

Go for the sleeves, guys.

Gross? Yes. But you’re a man, so suck it up: it may gross the woman out, and she may get mad at you for not just getting a tissue yourself, but believe me: she doesn’t want looting in her world.

Also, she’ll likely get you a tissue if she sees you going for your sleeve.

5. MANLY MEN DON’T POUT

Find a balance between face scrunching and overly deadpanning. You’ll want to keep your lower lip from quivering and protruding.

Manly men don’t pout unless they’re doing it to try and be cute – and it is cute then, but definitely not when they’re doing it for real; it’s quite scary, actually.

If you’re worried at all about your lower lip’s behavior, just tilt your head down so that your chin becomes less prominent; It’ll look like your pain is deeper and more worthy of being cried over.

6. REWRITE HISTORY

This last piece of advice is relevant at a point in time after your little rain shower, on the off chance that you’d want or have to refer to it as something.

Be careful which word/s you use. Avoid words like crying, weeping (oh god, definitely avoid saying you were weeping), sobbing, etc.

In fact, try not to call it anything at all, if possible. If you can’t, and must refer to your “episode” (another term you want to avoid), just call it “the time when you became rather teary-eyed” – it sounds better. And kind of British.

And you know, James Bond is the epitome of manly men.

Getting Primitive: What’s Instinctually Sexy

Sometimes I like other girls, so what?

Over the centuries, it has become more and more difficult for us humans to think of ourselves as being a part of the animal kingdom. We like to think of our world as being so civilized, so logic-driven.

Somehow we’ve come to the conclusion that even our sexual instincts are driven by reason. A prime example of this is our using so many tools to follow fashion trends, as we think they’re what makes the opposite sex attracted to us.

Of course, though, we are still members of the animal kingdom. And our instinctual desires are actually still entirely driven by our primitive selves.

No matter what we put on to make ourselves sexually appealing – from brightly coloured pants to tattoos to fragrances to cosmetics – we really only succeed in making ourselves pop out of the crowd if we use the same devices our primitive ancestors used (regardless of whether they’re dressed up versions or not).

Really, we’ve just made the whole process of attracting a mate more confusing. Fashions, cosmetics, body art, etc. are all about emphasizing an individual features that have the best chance of appealing to any potential mate’s instinctual sexual desires. For this reason, not all styles look attractive on everyone; some accentuate parts of people’s bodies that are not their assets, and thus accentuating them may even prove to detract a potential mate.

Happily, though, being sexually attractive is achieved by attending to rather basic, universal principles. Our animal urges happen to be stimulated by the visual, audition (pertaining to how we move and how our voices sound), and olfactory senses.

And it’s really pretty simple to stimulate them. Just keep the following in mind as you read: if you got it, flaunt it; if you don’t, either fake it or draw attention away from it.

Understanding how to appeal to audition and olfactory senses is much easier than understanding how to appeal to the visual sense. In terms of the audition sense, it’s fairly common knowledge that a person can be seen as more or less attractive by the way in which he or she walks across a room or moves while dancing. In the same way, a person will be perceived as more or less attractive depending on how melodious or smooth his or her voice sounds – think of the difference between Fran Drescer’s voice and, well, just about any other actor’s.

As far as the olfactory sense is concerned, a person will be more attractive simply by maintaining good hygiene and taking preventative measures not to smell offensive, using tools such as deodorants and mouthwash. Beyond that, fragrances are widely used to appeal to the opposite sex.

Things become a little more complicated when we attempt to tantalize the visual senses. Generally speaking, the healthier a person appears, regardless of gender, the more attractive they’re perceived. This is why the most seemingly-attractive people possess a healthy weight, healthy-looking skin, lustrous hair, strong nails, etc. Luckily, health is an asset many of us can strive to attain, if we don’t already have it.

Besides health, though, the most visually-appealing traits across genders are associated with the sizes of different bodily features and shape, the grooming of body and facial hair, and how much of a mirror-symmetry is possessed by the individual.

Along these lines, women are meant to strive for more hourglass shapes, drawing a line of symmetry at the waist, often by means of cinching with waistlines or belts. And a woman is also considered more shapely if her breasts are parabolic and her buttocks is cardioid – achieving these shapes is often what makes certain bras or pairs of pants look flattering. As for making her face look more symmetrical, a woman is helped out with the application of cosmetics.

For men, women are generally more attracted to mates that are considered tall, or are (at least) taller than themselves. They’re also considered more “manly” when they possess traits such as bodily hair growth or muscle definition that need testosterone to be acquired. It is interesting to note as well, that women are more particular about men’s attire than men are about women’s.

So, whatever you’d like to believe about beauty being in the eye of the beholder, and however much you partake in today’s trends, just know that to find a mate, you need to appeal to his or her primitive instincts. Just know which approach will suit you the best before you go out and display a flappy tush in vinyl pants as see-through as a shower curtain.

Creative Commons License photo credit: Alex Dram