Favorite kiss from the clip: Antonio Banderas and Catherine Zeta-Jones from “The Mask of Zorro.”

Favorite fact from the clip: How X came to be a symbol for “kiss.”

Sex comes in many different flavors.

There’s loving and caring sex, adventurous sex, quick and spontaneous sex, neighborly sex, friendship sex, acrobatic sex, sex that follows from responding to one of those creepy Craig’s List ads in its “Missed Connections” section, etc.

And then there’s pornographic sex.

Pornographic sex is in a whole different category, I think. It involves people who are viewing, people who are filming, people who are thrusting with thespian motives…

I cannot watch porn.

I tried to watch porn, this foreign porn movie, I guess it was.

First, I was embarrassed to be watching porn, even though no one knew I was watching it; I kept looking around, and then, when I saw no one was judging me, I started judging myself because I thought, someone has to judge me; I mean, I’m watching raunchy Barcelonan porn.

Then, I had to be hard on myself for my lack of productivity. I was stern and had one part of my thinking self scold the other part – I have no idea how many parts of my thinking self there are, but there were only two active in this scenario, in case you were curious: It said:

Hey, Tasha. What the hell do you think you’re doing? What’s the point of watching porn if you’re going to be a nervous wreck the entire fucking time?

Inadvertently, though, the tension was dissolved with the comic relief provided by the pun, “fucking time.” Both parts of my thinking self reunited, hand-in-hand, and settled back down to the pornographic movie.

It appeared as though the cast – 6 young women and two young men – were taking advantage of their hotel and spa’s co-ed hot tub amenities. Everyone was getting naked – I couldn’t tell the two men apart, but the women were easily distinguished by their varying breast sizes. Most women had large bosoms and floppy bodies, though there was one woman who was the thinnest woman I think I’ve ever seen (she was virtually bosom-less).

I couldn’t take my eyes off of that woman. She was so thin that she looked emaciated – I was getting worried about her as the seconds passed; I hoped she was one of those naturally skinny women – one of those women who always tried to gain weight, the way other women work their asses off to lose it.

Then, the whole mood of the movie took a turn when the women all started making out with one another, and the men (kind of). I observed the scene with as much wonder as Diane Fossey had when she watched gorillas for the first time ever.

I wasn’t turned on. I was a little weirded out, actually. It would have been a perfect time to cock one eyebrow, but I never had that kind of muscle talent. So instead, I furrowed both eyebrows as best as I could. I was thinking that if anyone were to walk in on me, or if someone had, for some reason, planted some tiny spy camera in my room and was or would be watching me watch this crazy-ass orgy movie, they would know that I was an innocent, absolutely perplexed by it all.

I started brainstorming what I could say if it ever came up, so I could be half-surprised, totally-prepared by someone watching me watch porn.

I decided I’d go with, I downloaded this internet porn because I thought it was a foreign film – it was, but not the right kind.

photo credit: derpunk

I wondered if male porn stars were usually more attractive than these two and if that’s why people enjoyed watching porn movies so much.

Two answers to that one:

1. No, people like sex and watching sex, and
2. I’m regarding the American interest in American porn and there’s no way in hell any foreign porn stars could be sleazier and awkwardly attractive in a more disturbing way than American male porn stars; I don’t care what anyone says.

And then, my attention was diverted back to the screen again as the making out got crazier with the appearance of tongues all over the place, not necessarily licking anything.

This just grossed me out. I have a hard time sharing a glass with anyone, even; I’m very careful about whose saliva I allow near myself and the things my saliva will be coming into contact with – other people’s saliva is just nasty when it becomes communal.

But that’s when I noticed that the ridiculously thin girl’s tongue was missing out on the action. And it’s not like she wanted it to be.

There were two men, six women, and the thin girl seemed to be getting shafted. Or not. Whichever way you want to look at it.

The puns were popping into my head like there was no tomorrow.

I couldn’t help but compare her to a newborn puppy that was trying to feed, but couldn’t get to its mother’s nipples because all the other puppies were sucking on them.

I started getting incensed, taking the side of this emaciated underdog, wishing someone would just take pity and lick her or something.

Even when they moved to the conveniently-placed, folding beach chairs in a nearby room that I couldn’t decide was indoors or outdoors, and the guys started going at it, each with one of the women, and the other women worked to fondle the woman whose turn it was to be…”done,” no one fondled more generously than the thin girl.

And it seemed unfair because when it was her turn, the other girls did not repay the favor.

And, her time with the guy seemed too short, really, in comparison with the time the other girls got – unfairly short, really.

I felt bad for her. Then I got angry with her.

Have some self-respect!, I shouted at the screen, knowing she couldn’t hear me, and that even if she did, she wouldn’t understand me because I don’t speak Catalan. Walk away if you’re not wanted!

I gestured wildly as I shouted this.

It’s just not right how you’re being treated.

Then, with a sigh, I threw up my hands in resignation.

It was her decision.

I hoped she was getting paid handsomely for this, at least – she deserved the money more than the other cast members, as she was definitely committed to her work.

I watched the movie for about two more minutes before I had to shut it off, bored out of my mind and ironically very turned sexually off.

So that was porn, I thought.

And from this experience, I’ve concluded that I’m way too neurotic to watch anything like it ever again.

Most people that I’ve asked haven’t seen, or even heard of the film “I.Q.,” a delightful romantic comedy starring Walter Matthau, Meg Ryan, and Tim Robbins. And I think this is why most people, when they fall in love, don’t have the sudden urge to roll around in a field.

And, because most of my readers probably haven’t seen this adorable film either, I feel I should provide a brief synopsis of it:

Walter Matthau is Albert Einstein, Meg Ryan is Catherine Boyd, his niece, and Tim Robbins is an automobile mechanic named Ed. Ed falls in love at first sight with Catherine, who’s engaged to a stuffy scientist no one likes. Einstein wants Catherine to be with Ed because he thinks Ed’s a great guy – better than the stuffy guy that no one likes – but she’s engaged to the stuffy guy no one likes because she thinks he’s really smart and she wants to have smart babies. So, Einstein and his three genius friends dress Ed up like a scientist and tell the world that he’s figured out how to get a spacecraft to run on cold fusion – to convince Catherine that he’s an intellectual.

And, if the premise doesn’t sound fabulous enough that you’ve just exploded out of your house and spirited to the local video store to rent the film (no time to Netflix it!), then you should know that Tony Shalhoub is also in the film – and he’s always wonderful, even without a bushy mustache (he’s clean shaven here – it’s the 50s).

So, at a certain point during the film, Catherine and Ed roll around on a grassy field in front of Eisenhower, the secret service, and all the genius people.

It’s not a love scene, per se…

But watching it makes you want to roll around on a field for the following reasons:

• The grass looks really soft in the film
• Catherine and Ed don’t really get dirty, so why should anyone else?
• It seems like a swell summer activity (or a swell, any-season activity, if you live in Florida)
• Rolling around with another person (you have to kind of embrace each other) keeps the centrifugal force going for much longer than if you roll around by yourself
• It’ll bring out your inner child, and possibly give rise to riotous giggling (just make sure you giggle closed-teeth, or the giggling may have unpleasant side effects for your partner)

Things to Double Check Before Rolling Around On A Field:

• That it hasn’t rained in a couple days
• That it won’t rain while you’re rolling around
• That there aren’t any ball-oriented sports’ matches nearby
• That your partner doesn’t weigh twice as much as you do
• That the field isn’t hosed down with pesticides
• That people don’t walk their dogs on that field

Also, I don’t know if this makes a difference, but “I.Q.” takes place in New Jersey. I’ve never been to New Jersey, but the grass may be softer there, or the fields more lush. But either way, the field in this film seems to have ideal rolling-around conditions. So, if you see a field such as the one featured in “I.Q.,” I highly recommend you do your rolling-around activities in it, as opposed to in a bog, or the Everglades, or some such place.

This video should be noted for its incredibly high production values, flawless cinematography by Vincent Peone and visual fidelity to the original Katy Perry video for ‘Teenage Dream’ – seen here.

Written by Jeff Rubin and Ben Joseph.
Directed and Shot by Vincent Peone.
Starring Deanna Russo.

It’s easy to fall in love with the flawless love presented to us in romantic comedies. But if you pick the ideal version over the real one, you may end up snuggling with a cardboard cutout you find in the lobby of your local movie theatre.

Here’s an all too common scenario:

It’s movie night. Two snuggle bunnies are on the couch, bound together with a throw blanket. They couldn’t get closer…aw….they’re cute!

The movie begins– this week’s is lady’s choice: Pretty Woman. Very much on the chick flick, romcom end of the spectrum…but last week’s feature was Blades of Glory, so the couple, matched one for one, snuggle on.

These snuggle bunnies are movie talkers. They talk through every scene until someone loses the thread of the story,  in which case that person shushes the other, there’s a minute-long silence, and then one of them has another opinion about something and strikes up the movie talking again.

And this is a good system for these snuggle bunnies; they agree with one another on just about every comment and topic that’s introduced. Movie night is an interactive bonding experience for them.

So, there’s a prostitute and a rich guy who picks her up. So far, the snuggle bunnies have discussed how Richard Gere makes gray hair look good, and how redheads were considered harlots at some point in history. It’s been agreed: the jumpsuit that Julia Roberts is prostituting herself in is strange and unappealing, though it does show a lot of skin.

Since he’s absurdly wealthy, Richard Gere then decides that  he’s going to keep his prostitute for a few days past their night together – money’s no object, so he showers Julia Roberts’ character with finery, and all of a sudden, she’s gone from weird jumpsuit to breezy dresses.

“She cleans up well! Oh, it’s like Cinderella! He treats her like a princess, too…” The female snuggle bunny says.

“I can see that.” The male replies, unenthused.

A bit later, she requests that her partner hit the pause button, as a bathroom break is in order. The entire time she’s in disposed, she hears her partner blowing his nose.

“What happened? An avalanche?” she asks, and is nearly reseated when he asks her to get him a beer.

The movie’s back on, and in ten minutes, only one snuggle bunny remains conscious and not snoring. As there’s no one to talk to anymore, she pays closer attention to the film, particularly to just how classy Richard Gere’s character is.

He can spot quality when he sees it, she thinks. It’s why he picked Julia Roberts up in the first place from that street corner.

At the end of the film, she throws the blanket off herself. What an ugly blanket! Old and patchy.

She looks at her man, asleep with his mouth parted, snoring, his tongue resting on his lower lip, looking like a sun-drenched cow.

No class, she thinks as she heads toward the bedroom, leaving him there.

She’s hanging her head with dramatic flair and to secretly note what her partner gave her to wear when she got out of the shower: a large green t-shirt featuring a winged squirrel.

He told her last week that he’d go shopping with her for a nightgown. She wonders if he knows what a nightgown is and if he thinks this green squirrelbird thing is one?

Before slipping off to sleep, she wonders if he knows that strawberries pair well with champagne. And if he doesn’t but she asks if he does, in a way that he could pretend he does in an effort to look classier, would he pretend he does? She hopes he would.

Though silly and seemingly dramatic, this scenario is actually not as far-fetched as it may seem.

According to BBC News article, “Rom-Coms ‘Spoil Your Love Life,’” “Rom-coms have been blamed by relationship experts at Heriot Watt University for promoting unrealistic expectations when it comes to love.”

You can read the full BBC article here.

Thus, it is important to keep these three principles in mind, should you find two attractive people in a film together, having a laugh, and falling in love:

1. Everyone’s ugly sometimes.
2. Unless someone has major crazy issues, his or her quirks could either be funny or grating to his or her significant other…just play some upbeat theme music in your head and voila! You’ll find the obnoxious person transformed into a charming figment of your own romantic comedy!
3. The actors are only playing roles written for them. If you’re in love with a character, go find the writer; obviously he/she knows what to say to get you going.

Steve Martin and Bernadette Peters sing “Tonight You Belong to Me” from The Jerk.

The shadow visuals and created movement are dark and deliriously delightful complements to the  song. Intricately and beautifully directed by Tallie Maughan.

If, like us, you have the burning desire to rush out and hear more of his work, you can listen/buy this track and more at his website — click here.

How he continues to be so amazingly innovative in such simple ways blows my mind.

Mia Doi Todd “Open Your Heart” dir. Michel Gondry from Viewers Like You on Vimeo.

We just adore the artwork in this piece – the soft colors and flickering tones on the animals are breathtaking. And as we know, we humans are not the only ones who know kissing matters.