Are you afraid to say the three words that will change your relationship forever?

Even if you really really are dying to say them?

Well, never you worry. Here are five ways to express the sentiment without actually going out on a limb:

1. Shave Your Body Hair into a Heart Shape.

If you’re a man, give some shape to your beard; if you’re a hairy man, shape your chest hair into a heart. If you’re a woman with dark arm hair, shave your message into it; if you have light hair, get creative down there!

2. Let Your Booty Do the Talking.

Women are always wearing sweatpants with messages written on their seats. But remember: love is not gender-specific. We all love; we can all wear pairs of pants that say “I love you” on their asses!

3. Buy the object of your affection a giant, heart-shaped mug with something corny written on it.

This will be especially effective if he/she enjoys coffee or tea. Nothing says “I love you” like a bear on a mug saying, “I love you.”

4. Learn how to blow heart-shaped smoke rings.

Then, when you’re smoking either hookah or a cigarette with your mate, blow the rings at them. He/She will be impressed and enamored!

5. Buy a pair of sunglasses with heart-shaped and pink-tinted lenses.

Then, when you go out for a nice, casual Sunday stroll, you can offer your love the glasses. When he/she asks why he/she has to wear them, say that you want he/she to see the world as you see it when you look at him/her.

If these ideas let you down…

…and all else fails, just get on Google Translate and write down the translation to “I love you” in every language the free service has to offer. Then, convince your partner to sleep in the nude, wake up early, and use body paint to scrawl the message all over him/her. Just keep in mind that you’ll want to run like hell before he/she wakes up.

1st Photo, credit:Brandon Christopher Warren
2nd Photo, credit: bricehardelin
3rd Photo, credit: mik_p
4th Photo, credit: hilllisa23
5th Photo, credit: Éole
6th Photo, credit: Pink Sherbet Photography
7th Photo, credit: kaneda99

I know what I’m doing; thus, I can tell you how to pretend to know what you’re doing (without actually knowing how to do it).

There are actual reasons for doing all the steps below and they are well-documented elsewhere. Consider this a handy cheat sheet.

With that in mind, this advice will seem much less silly in situations where you’re sitting face-to-face with a date who has good taste in wine and assumes you do, too.

If you look like you know what you’re doing, you’ll impress the socks off him or her!

So, here’s your explanation-free quick guide to what to do if you need to look like you know what you’re doing when tasting expensive wine.

Just do as I say without looking insecure, and you may even be mistaken for a level one sommelier! (A sommelier is a wine expert, just in case you were wondering).

The Five Ss

My process involves using what I’ll call “The Five “Ss” in the following order: Sight, Swirl, Smell, Swish, and Sip.

By doing so and nodding after each step like you’ve understood something secret and profound, you’ll pull this off with no problem.

Step 1: Sight

Whatever you do, don’t drink the wine straight away; you have to observe it first.

• Look at the wine. I mean really inspect it.
• Hold it up to eye-level (by the glass’s stem), and try to see through it.
• Nod slowly and slowly lower the glass to the table.

Step 2: Swirl

Turn your glass into a whirlpool:

• Once the glass is securely on the table, grasp its stem between your fingers once again.
• Then, without lifting your glass off the table (for safety purposes), gently swirl your wine around in your glass by moving the stem in little circles.
• Do this for at least three seconds.
• Nod.

Step 3: Smell

Now it’s time to smell your wine:

• Lift your glass and stick your nose as far into it as possible – the bigger your nose, the better.
• Make sure you get your nose out of there in time to exhale; it looks bad if you blow the wine around.
• Nod.

Step 4: Swish

Hooray! You can finally taste your wine!

• Take just a little bit of it into your mouth and hold it there.
• Swish it around like you’re trying to embalm your mouth with it.
• Make an “oooh! what a delightful surprise!” face.

Step 5: Sip

The hard work is all over.

If you need to say anything to your impressed partner, say, “what a lovely bouquet!” and move on. The rest is a piece of cake.

All you have to do now is sip the wine slowly for the rest of the evening, pacing yourself and nodding once in awhile.

Never gulp – always sip.

If you’re unsure whether you’re drinking too fast, just take a sip whenever your date does.

And that’s all there is to looking like you know how to appreciate good wine!

We all deserve the finer things in life, so I say fake it ’til you make it! If you keep doing this process, you’ll end up actually being able to appreciate good wine in no time

Now go out there and impress your date!

photo credit: 96dpi

In fact, it’s amazing to me that they get laid at all.

Women are all about feeling – the mood – when it comes to sex. If a guy’s room is scary, gross, weird, or too adorable (which is also weird), sex is a no-go activity.

This is probably why some women do what is now called “The Walk of Shame” when they make beelines to their homes from frat houses the morning after sex with its residents: they’re ashamed they’ve slept with guys who actually tacked posters of other naked women on their walls.

I’ve been in these frat house rooms. I’ve been in the rooms of musicians, athletes, engineers, painters, techies, you name it. All men’s rooms. Just friends.

But you know why many of them remained just friends? Because of their rooms. Because of that which they chose to adorn their walls with, that which they chose to allow me to see. Stupidly made decisions, really.

It’s not like I was licentious back then. But it was college, for God’s sake; if there was ever a time to have promiscuous sex, that was it – and let’s just say I was fully aware of this.

Anyhow, I’ve been majorly disappointed to find that earning a college degree is not directly proportional to emotional maturity.

And it’s not just the naked pinups – though I must just say this…if you’re a guy and you have a naked woman on a poster in your room or living room, most women just assume you’re fooling around with yourself when you’re alone with it.

And really, if a guy were getting some on a regular basis, would he need a poster to masturbate to? Honestly, tacking up a poster of a naked woman and masturbating to it is basically analogous to playing with an imaginary friend, and just as pathetic.

Plus, it’s a vicious cycle: No sex –> masturbate to poster –> woman comes in room and is grossed out by poster –> woman leaves -> no sex –> masturbate to poster.

It’s sad…

GET RID OF THE POSTER!

To continue:

Men still don’t know what they’re doing in their rooms. Even if they don’t put a pinup on the wall, there’s other things they do that freak women out. I’m not saying all women are freaked out by these things, but many are. So, here’s a list of things to avoid.

(And, not to worry, women are also at fault for sometimes booby trapping their rooms with pieces they consider pretty, romantic, or just plain “fun.” But these things are not fun, decorative, or pretty items. No. Men usually find them repulsive, scary, confusing, or even a combination of the three. But I’ll get to this…)

Let’s start with the men.

Hey men! Avoid these ten items and you’ll at least be on neutral ground:

1. Pinups – is there an echo?
2. Really dark paint colors
3. An absurd amount of technology – wires, large monitors, the works; from now on, you’re a minimalist.
   
4. Strange weaponry
5. Anything that makes you laugh because you think it’s disgusting, weird, or stupid
6. Giant posters of Bob Marley – unless you’re a Rastafarian and a pot-head
7. Posters of John Belushi drinking beer – it’s scary to find out that you glorify a character who poured a bottle of mustard down the front of his shirt
8. Trophies – your mom may have been super-impressed, but we consider your arrogance meter to climb a notch per trophy
9. Collection of beer and liquor bottles – they’re not decorations (not even the expensive ones); they just kind of say you have no actual interests and that you may or may not be an alcoholic.
10. A wall-sized movie poster of “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas”

Alright, and now for my gender: the ladies.

I’m sorry to admit that we can also be totally clueless in the decoration department.

A man may find a woman attractive because she’s feminine, but that usually only goes so far. You know you’ve gone overboard on the girly thing when you’ve forced your four-legged friends into pink dresses and decorated your habitat with the following:

1. Mosquito nets – yes, I have also fallen prey to this girly device (so this one is coming from personal experience). Men hate this damn thing, and I’m convinced it makes them dream of being manly fish caught in fishing nets; they all seem hell-bent on trying to escape from and destroy your mosquito net in their sleep.
2. An unbelievable amount of pink – sometimes too much pink can send men into anaphylactic shock
3. Dead flowers – these are creepy and either a little bit morbid to men, or they remind a man of his Great Aunt Mildred’s house (which also smelled weirdly)
4. Excessive amounts of pillows
5. All the stuffed animals you’ve ever been given – these are especially unsavory when each comes with a personal history
6. Anything involving unicorns or rainbows – you had a chance to decorate your room with these things when you were five; that chance has passed.
7. A collection of Disney-related items – they say, ‘She’s not sexy.’ And if you are otherwise sexy and have this stuff, they say, ‘She’s creepy sexy.’
8. A gigantic photo collage on the wall with pictures of all your friends, ex-boyfriends, and everyone you’ve every met
9. Giant, paper mâché lights in various shapes – stars are the worst…unless they make heart-shaped ones (then those would be the worst)
10. 1950s-style posters with pictures of different women, looking all 1950s-house-wifey, next to ironic, dry-humored captions

And if you find yourself with a man or a woman who adores your room just the way it is, I suggest you marry that person. Because, while you may think I’m just clueless in my composition of these lists, that members of the opposite sex can tolerate your gender’s annoying decorative preferences, they can’t, and you’ve found yourself someone who is likely to be highly sought after as he/she has the supernatural gift of being able to tolerate just about anything.

Che Guevara Bed Photo  photo credit: Xtream_i

For a 24 year old who started dating at age 16, I’ve been on way more than most people my age. If I hadn’t eventually found a boyfriend (who I did NOT meet as a result of a blind date), and kept going on blind dates at this rate, by the time I turned 60, I would have gone on approximately 38 blind dates. So, by this logic, you could practically call me an expert on blind dates and dating.

And I’ve never been on a good blind date.

The thing is that I started out as  one of those people who was just “up for anything.” And, I suppose one of the blind dates may have worked out if one of the guys I’d been set up with was also from the “up for anything” stock. But, sadly, I think I was set up with myriad guys because being “up for anything” seemed more accepting than “attractive and choosy.”

Anyhow, there’s a list of reasons why none of them worked out, but I’d like to alert those yentas out there who are looking to get their possibly oddly-matched friends together to start a romance that,

The idea isn’t to go: Well, we’ll see! This could be hilarious!

The idea is to go: Alright, it’d be great if this worked out, but if it doesn’t, will my friend/s ever trust and/or talk to me again?

And the thing is, I walked away from nearly every blind date with a different opinion of the matchmaker.

So, to save you from such shame, I’ve devised a 7-Step system for setting your friends up in good faith:

Step 1: Acquire a recent, wallet sized picture of each of your friends.

Even if you have to  take new ones for the cause – your friends will preferably be facing in opposite directions in the pictures. Then, when no one’s around, hold the pictures side-by-side, in such a way so that your friends appear to be facing one another. Then, as though you were a little kid and having your action figures/dolls talk to one another, pretend they’re having a conversation.

Then ask yourself these questions:

• How did the conversation go?
• Did they seem like they could be a couple? That they matched?
• Did your friends like one another?
• Who thought who was hot?

Write down your answers and analyze to determine whether the conversation was successful. If it turned out not to be, take pictures of some of your other single friends and start all over again.

Step 2: Show each person the picture you took of his/her potential mate.

Ask what he/she thinks. Take notes. If the feedback is good for both parties, you may proceed to Step 3.

Step 3: Make a list of the reasons you think the two would get along.

And, if the only reason is that they both think the other is good looking, you’re in trouble – unless, that is, your friends are the vapid, soulless types.

Then, beside that, make a list of all the things they might fight about – if any of the issues seem big to you, drop it.

Step 4: Present your case to each of your friends, as well as all of the research you’ve done.

This way, if the date doesn’t turn out, they won’t think you’re all that crazy.

Step 5: Sit each friend down and watch “The Science of Sex Appeal” by Nova with him/her.

It’s not too long a documentary, so you won’t get bored watching it twice – and, everyone can always learn a thing or two as to how to better attract the opposite sex, so you’ll be benefiting as well from it.

Step 6: Arrange the meeting time and place, and try to have your own date to take.

I’ve only been on blind dates that were also double dates – that was much less awkward than if I had been left alone with some stranger – I’m not that great of a conversation starter. Besides, if the date goes well, the new lovebirds can just separate after the main activity.

Now, when you’re choosing a setting, make sure of the following:

• There’s something that both parties will like about it
• There aren’t any weird events going on there at the time you’re scheduling for the event
• It isn’t too snazzy or casual
• It is accommodating to conversation

Step 7: Things to do right before the date, perhaps the day before:

• Analyze your friends’ disgusting habits. And although they shouldn’t be glaring (or you’ll be in trouble), caution your friends against having them during the date, as tactfully or bluntly as needed. Remember, your sanity and reputation as a yenta is on the line.

• Make sure your friends look as close as possible to the pictures you took of them – Guys especially need help in this department, as they sometimes become bored with their facial hair and can go from preppy to mountain man in a matter of days, which is totally uncool to spring on the person you’re setting him up with (Sorry, Daria, I never meant to set you up with that chia pet over there; I didn’t know he could grow a shamanic beard that quickly – I swear to god he was clean-shaven last week!)

• Smell your friends and make sure they’re prepared to shower before the date; remind them that no scent is alluring in strong doses and that Dove Ivory Soap is not a perfume/cologne.

• Give them each a manipulative pep talk. A manipulative pep talk is much like a regular pep talk, except that it emphasizes the points you want the person to emphasize on his/her date, and pokes fun at the annoying/disgusting habits of that person, as though you didn’t know he/she did those things. Example: “He’s going to love you! You’re witty and charming and gorgeous! You’re not like every other girl he’s met who adjusts her boobs every three minutes and is obsessed with text messaging other people when you’re with him, you know?”

• Ask what he/she is planning on wearing. If it’s funky weird, suggest something else. Otherwise, just make minor suggestions, so that their clothes look as close as possible to those they were wearing in the pictures.

After you’ve successfully performed Step 7, there is nothing left for you to do. You’ve done everything you could and, in my opinion, you cannot be blamed in the unlikely event that the date bellies up.

But, don’t be surprised if they get married or something; if and when they do, you have the authority to take full credit for it and should demand some kind of honorary position in the ceremony.

Photo courtesy of  wouter_kersbergen

Of course, that’s far from true. And if you stick to any of the following categories, you and your honey baby are bound to come out wearing something original.

Not to mention, if no one can figure your costumes out, it’s even better! You get the pleasure of informing ignorant couples just what your brilliant and original costumes are and then you get to act like you’re just oh, so over their obvious ones.

“You’re a pair of ghosts, right? What, were your mommies on vacation?”

That’s right. Snap!

Okay, let’s get started.

For the corny couple:

Two love birds

Two peas in a pod.

( photo credit: claudiogennari)

For the artistically witty:

Van Gogh and his ear

Pavarotti and his facial hair

For the Mythological:

Dido and Aeneas

Echo and Narcissus
Zeus and Pretty White Cow (Io)

photo credit: Artshooter

Awesome (but forgotten about) Famous Couples:

Chopin and George Sand
Abelard and Heloise
Jean-Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir

For the Looney and Cartoony:

Smurf and Smurfette
Yakko or Wakko and Nurse

photo credit: merlinprincesse

Maybe you’re the one who gets constantly glossed over by everyone.

You go to the bar with your friend, Lola (if you don’t like the name Lola, you can pick a different name), and you’re both hanging over the bar, trying to get the bartender’s attention.

Lola has giant bosoms and is always – this time being no exception – noticed first. It doesn’t matter that you have a shiny, winning smile – it’s dark in there and no one seems to care about dental hygiene when intoxicated.

Gigantic bosoms seem to crush any competitor.

Lola’s kind of nice, so she throws your drink order in with hers. You hate her a little, but thank her anyway.

“You got it, hon,” she says.

‘Hon’? What is she? Doris from the local IHOP? And you’re 12, having just ordered a happy face pancake that she spruced up with some extra whipped cream?

You’re not twelve and you want to show her. Next week, you’ll return the favor and get her drink. That’s right – you’ll be the one who gets noticed.

Now, before you go stuffing your bra, try putting the findings of some recent color studies into action:

Wear Red.

As reported in the article “Red and Romantic Behavior in Men Viewing Women” (Niesta Kayser, D., Elliot, A., and Feltman, R. (2010). European Journal of Social Psychology DOI: 10.1002/ejsp.757), studies have shown that both men and women gravitate more toward a member of the opposite sex if he or she is sporting red.

But, what if red doesn’t look good on you?

Well then, it’s probably that you just haven’t tried the right shade. Check out this fabulous article by Janice Wee, How to Look Gorgeous in Red Fashion, and find out which one complements you the most. Then, go shopping!

And while you’re at it, pick up a nice, pastel-colored top for Lola. It would be such a shame if she showed up in red, too, and yelled out something like, “We’re twins!”
photo credit: Pedro Moura Pinheiro

Ok, bad example.

In our society especially, maintaining your status as a manly man means sauntering around like a superhero in street clothes. And superheroes express themselves by displaying their might, grunting when things get tough (or something’s a little heavy), and laughing in clusters of three “ha”s.

Superheroes do not cry.

Writers of the show Lois and Clark had Superman cry once. That show is no more.

Enough said.

Crying is a delicate matter for a manly man, especially if he’s crying in front of a woman. Women will make assumptions about a man who cries, whether they admit to it or not. If a manly man doesn’t proceed with caution, it’s likely he’ll besmirch his shiny masculinity with such an open display of his feelings, especially if he’s displaying them to a woman who doesn’t know him all that well.

Thus, if you’re manly man and you’re in a situation where the floodgates are parting and there aren’t any available bathrooms to which you can run for cover, follow these guidelines and you’ll keep your masculinity above the water:

1. LOOK LIKE THE MAN YOU ARE

The most important advice I have is to try and make yourself look attractive in a very masculine way. Meaning that you might be one of those sexy, dark skin men who can pull off pink shirts, but forget about it here. Pink is not going to help you look like a manly man in the event that you get all weepy.

Note: If you’re blonde and sporting pink, you might as well be wearing spandex and leg warmers.

And, if looking attractive is just not going to happen for you, the problem is easily solved by hitting the gym and producing impressive biceps and pectorals. You want to look like an imposing figure, even during moments of weakness. And just being overweight won’t work to make you seem bigger in a manly sense (unless you’re chubby with impressive biceps and pectorals) – you really don’t want the ‘big baby’ label; babies aren’t men.

2.DON’T TALK, DON’T GESTURE

Avoid the temptation to express yourself in any way mid-sob.

You want your voice to maintain its manly tenor; mid-sob speaking has your voice staggering around between alto and soprano land, Jiminy Glick style.

Your best bet for keeping a tight grip on your masculinity is through a dignified silence. Else, you’re certain to emit whiney baby vibes. And if woman responds favorably to whiney baby vibes, it’s not because she considers you a man who’s in touch with his emotional side (though she may refer to your emotional display as such out of courtesy or confusion):

It’s because, more likely than not, she’s always wanted to have a baby, and now she’s considering that having you is basically the same thing. Minus the hospital bills and the stretch marks.

Gesturing mid-sob is out, too, since you’ll end up flailing like a little birdie.

3. LYING YOUR ASS OFF IS A SURVIVAL TACTIC

If it’s the first time you’re crying in the presence of a woman, act like (but don’t tell her that) you’ve never cried before:

Touch the first of your tears and feign surprise upon discovering your cheeks are wet. Overact. Sweep away the first few tears with your finger tips and examine them in disbelief, like some people would when they discover they’re bleeding.

But no, you’re not most people – you’re used to bleeding. You’d look at blood like you’d look at your neighbor. Blood’s familiar to you. You bleed all that time; you’re a man!

Crying is what’s unfamiliar to manly men.

“What are these wet things sliding down my face? How’d they get there…Oh no, sweetie!” you’ll say in disbelief. “I think I’m crying…quick, call emergency services!”

Then later, make sure to tell her you haven’t cried since childhood, She’s the only one you’ve cried with, and it seems she awoke a part of you that you didn’t even know existed.

This way, if you cry around her in the future, she’ll blame herself.

4. LET THE WOMAN GET YOU A TISSUE

And under no circumstances should you ask for or go get one. Doing such a thing reveals that you’ve done this kind of thing before. That you know what you’re doing.

Keep in mind: tissues belong to the satiny world of baby bunnies and flowers, of which women are the guardians. The rule is that to acquire one for sniveling purposes (if you’re sick or have allergies or something, you’re off the hook on grounds of sinus overload), it must be given to you by a woman.

And so what happens if you’re a mess and no tissue gift has been bestowed upon you?

Go for the sleeves, guys.

Gross? Yes. But you’re a man, so suck it up: it may gross the woman out, and she may get mad at you for not just getting a tissue yourself, but believe me: she doesn’t want looting in her world.

Also, she’ll likely get you a tissue if she sees you going for your sleeve.

5. MANLY MEN DON’T POUT

Find a balance between face scrunching and overly deadpanning. You’ll want to keep your lower lip from quivering and protruding.

Manly men don’t pout unless they’re doing it to try and be cute – and it is cute then, but definitely not when they’re doing it for real; it’s quite scary, actually.

If you’re worried at all about your lower lip’s behavior, just tilt your head down so that your chin becomes less prominent; It’ll look like your pain is deeper and more worthy of being cried over.

6. REWRITE HISTORY

This last piece of advice is relevant at a point in time after your little rain shower, on the off chance that you’d want or have to refer to it as something.

Be careful which word/s you use. Avoid words like crying, weeping (oh god, definitely avoid saying you were weeping), sobbing, etc.

In fact, try not to call it anything at all, if possible. If you can’t, and must refer to your “episode” (another term you want to avoid), just call it “the time when you became rather teary-eyed” – it sounds better. And kind of British.

And you know, James Bond is the epitome of manly men.

Over the centuries, it has become more and more difficult for us humans to think of ourselves as being a part of the animal kingdom. We like to think of our world as being so civilized, so logic-driven.

Somehow we’ve come to the conclusion that even our sexual instincts are driven by reason. A prime example of this is our using so many tools to follow fashion trends, as we think they’re what makes the opposite sex attracted to us.

Of course, though, we are still members of the animal kingdom. And our instinctual desires are actually still entirely driven by our primitive selves.

No matter what we put on to make ourselves sexually appealing – from brightly coloured pants to tattoos to fragrances to cosmetics – we really only succeed in making ourselves pop out of the crowd if we use the same devices our primitive ancestors used (regardless of whether they’re dressed up versions or not).

Really, we’ve just made the whole process of attracting a mate more confusing. Fashions, cosmetics, body art, etc. are all about emphasizing an individual features that have the best chance of appealing to any potential mate’s instinctual sexual desires. For this reason, not all styles look attractive on everyone; some accentuate parts of people’s bodies that are not their assets, and thus accentuating them may even prove to detract a potential mate.

Happily, though, being sexually attractive is achieved by attending to rather basic, universal principles. Our animal urges happen to be stimulated by the visual, audition (pertaining to how we move and how our voices sound), and olfactory senses.

And it’s really pretty simple to stimulate them. Just keep the following in mind as you read: if you got it, flaunt it; if you don’t, either fake it or draw attention away from it.

Understanding how to appeal to audition and olfactory senses is much easier than understanding how to appeal to the visual sense. In terms of the audition sense, it’s fairly common knowledge that a person can be seen as more or less attractive by the way in which he or she walks across a room or moves while dancing. In the same way, a person will be perceived as more or less attractive depending on how melodious or smooth his or her voice sounds – think of the difference between Fran Drescer’s voice and, well, just about any other actor’s.

As far as the olfactory sense is concerned, a person will be more attractive simply by maintaining good hygiene and taking preventative measures not to smell offensive, using tools such as deodorants and mouthwash. Beyond that, fragrances are widely used to appeal to the opposite sex.

Things become a little more complicated when we attempt to tantalize the visual senses. Generally speaking, the healthier a person appears, regardless of gender, the more attractive they’re perceived. This is why the most seemingly-attractive people possess a healthy weight, healthy-looking skin, lustrous hair, strong nails, etc. Luckily, health is an asset many of us can strive to attain, if we don’t already have it.

Besides health, though, the most visually-appealing traits across genders are associated with the sizes of different bodily features and shape, the grooming of body and facial hair, and how much of a mirror-symmetry is possessed by the individual.

Along these lines, women are meant to strive for more hourglass shapes, drawing a line of symmetry at the waist, often by means of cinching with waistlines or belts. And a woman is also considered more shapely if her breasts are parabolic and her buttocks is cardioid – achieving these shapes is often what makes certain bras or pairs of pants look flattering. As for making her face look more symmetrical, a woman is helped out with the application of cosmetics.

For men, women are generally more attracted to mates that are considered tall, or are (at least) taller than themselves. They’re also considered more “manly” when they possess traits such as bodily hair growth or muscle definition that need testosterone to be acquired. It is interesting to note as well, that women are more particular about men’s attire than men are about women’s.

So, whatever you’d like to believe about beauty being in the eye of the beholder, and however much you partake in today’s trends, just know that to find a mate, you need to appeal to his or her primitive instincts. Just know which approach will suit you the best before you go out and display a flappy tush in vinyl pants as see-through as a shower curtain.

photo credit: Alex Dram

photo credit: Brian Hathcock

The end of summer can be somewhat dim and depressing.

Donning a woolen sweater with a design that echoes the not-too-distant snowfall, you brace yourself for the cold, dreary weather. You remember how much fun you and your significant other had only weeks before. Forlornly, you nudge your favorite pair of sandals beneath the bed with your foot, and then you rest your snorkel in a plastic bin, amongst several other objects bearing the colors of tropical fish.

Out come those horrid boots that make your feet clammy, and that weather-proof coat that reminds you of a colossal, green marshmallow.

You traipse to the garage with an armful of pink and green pool noodles, finally wedging them in the crevice between six tiki torches and your bicycle. Ah…you remember that day when you and your sweetheart woke up and thought it was just the perfect weather to take a nice bike ride. The wind combed through your hair and, for some reason, you became suddenly filled with gratitude for how blissful your childhood had been. After some distance, the two of you dismounted by a park bench and filled your lungs with the perfumes of blossoming flowers.

You laughed together for sneezing at the same time. Oh, allergies! Your love packed a nasal decongestant; all was right with the world.

The echoing of your laughter is suddenly drowned out by the wind’s commiserating with you; peeking through the blinds, you can almost see it howling through the trees. And the sky grays with insulating clouds that shroud the sun, blocking out its heat.

Will the sun ever come out again!?

Yes, it will. And, the entire southern hemisphere, in fact, is probably tanning and firing up their barbies – it’s spring there!

But wait a minute!

Before you start to squirrel away your spending money and daydream about slathering your significant other with suntan lotion on some Polynesian island, you should know that, as a season, autumn isn’t all that bad (winter is way worse!). Sure, in July, you and your sweetheart spent the most romantic night either of you ever had in a hammock together, gazing up at the stars – one of you said that no night could ever be as special as that summer night was.

Whoever said that was wrong.

I’m championing autumn’s potential for not only romance, but for all around fun. If you bemoan the loss of summer for the entire autumn, you’ll have missed out on the chance to partake in the following eight fall activities that I’ve come up with for you and your honey baby. And this list is just to get the ball rolling! There are so many more awesometastic fall activities that I totally missed including on my list. Maybe even hundreds more? You guys decide.

But first, read through my list:

1. VISIT A LOCAL APPLE ORCHARD!
   Pluck some apples fresh off the trees! – Don’t know where any local apple orchards are? Not to worry. Check out this fabulous apple orchard finder website.
   
2. BAKE INTERESTING/DELICIOUS THINGS
   I hope all of your baked goods come out patisserie-quality, of course. But sometimes, they come out unrecognizable. It happens. Enjoy the suspense…it’s half what makes baking so entertaining for amateurs! Even better if you’re baking something you’ve always heard about, but have never seen first hand. Mystery, Suspense’s half-brother!
   
3. CARVE SOME PUMPKINS!
   Many Americans are well-acquainted with this October activity, but are less than amused after popping a few unimaginative, geometric shapes out of their pumpkin’s shell.  It’s time to get creative with your carving and go to town on pumpkin carving. Need some inspiration? Here are some impressive pumpkins.And don’t forget, when you both are done, toast the seeds, make pumpkin soup (or pie), and stick a candle in it – the pumpkin shell, I mean (unless it’s your birthday, or something). If either of you do a horrible job, be comforted in knowing that a deformed pumpkin is a festive pumpkin!
   
4. BUILD A TENT IN YOUR LIVING ROOM!
   It’s the one way to feel even more cozy than you would crawling into your bed and under the covers. You can’t bring your massive dog, or pop tarts (if you don’t have a massive dog) – too many crumbs, under your bed covers. So tack the sheets to the living room walls and hibernate in your own tent, spacious enough to fit two lovebirds, an entire box of pop tarts, and your massive dog (if you have one – if you don’t, you might be able to borrow one from a neighbor).
   
5. LEAF TUMBLE!
   There are falling leaves, and there are people who rake them into fun-sized piles. Diving into those piles may seem somewhat ridiculous and childish, but if you’re both willing to play in snow – making snow angels and that sort of thing – tumbling in a pile of leaves will seem like a fresh, less wet variation. Of course, if your reservations stem from the guilt you’d feel after scattering the leaves someone just painstakingly raked together, know that the experience will make you, as a couple, stronger, since you’ll have been accomplices. Or else, you could just rake up your own leaves to mess around in.
   
6. TASTE FALL WINES
   Every season boasts of its unique wines. Look for local tasting rooms or wineries to sample them! You might also keep an eye out for mead (or honey) wines – depending on the recipe, meads can be made dry, semi-sweet, sweet, carbonated, still, or sparkling, with mulling spices, fruits, hops, or grain mash, giving them a relatively wide appeal; just be careful not to be too festive, as some mead wines are strong enough to singe your eyebrows off, and that’s not very attractive.
   
7. SIT IN A CAFE WITH A DECK OF CARDS
   It’s simple, laid back, and inexpensive. And, if it’s you that suggests it, your lover will think you’re just adorable. Play anything you know how to play, or pick up a book of card games to learn some new ones.

   When I was a kid, I had The Klutz Book of Card Games: For Sharks and Others. It had everything in there from card games to card tricks. I highly recommend it if you’re the least bit afraid you’ll end up highly caffeinated, playing Go Fish! for 4-6 hours.
   

8. MAKE DAY OF THE DEAD MASKS!
   A fabulous way to get in touch not only with your creative side and your lover, but also with your dead loved ones. Go all out and make a paper maché cast of your partner’s face, let it dry, and paint it! if you need some examples of these vibrant Mexican masks to base your own on, check out these pictures: http://www.fotopedia.com/en/Day_of_the_Dead . Oh, and just don’t drink mead beforehand, like my fiancé and I did when we began to make ours a few years ago; I wound up falling asleep while waiting for the paper maché to dry on my face; I tried to deny that I was sleeping, but knew it was no use when he told me I was snoring rather loudly. Haha.
   

Alright, so there you go. Now, go grab your significant other, forget about the sun, and enjoy your Fall together!

Fashion shows should be a joy for them – watching  means getting to watch hot models strut around for an hour or so. Well, a lot of the fashions displayed can be kind of eccentric. Men don’t really understand the reason behind wrapping one’s body in so many crazy creations that designers come up with.

Similarly, I’ve heard so many women ooh and ahh over the fashions worn by Sarah Jessica Parker in The Sex and the City; I’ve also heard so many men say that her character’s wardrobe not only confuses them, but just totally obliterates her sex appeal.

“What IS that?” they ask, tilting their heads from side to side like puzzled puppies.

“It’s a dress,” I say.

In my opinion, the only ways to justify wearing outlandish, trendy outfits are by saying you’re paying homage to fashion, or by attributing  them to your own bold expressions that you don’t care about  anyone else judging.

Unfortunately, a lot of women adopt trendy styles because they think wearing the latest looks will render them both edgy and more attractive. Those women are, sadly, under a misconception.

Here’s 10 trendy looks that will actually turn off most men. So, wearer beware!

1. Leggings and legwarmers!

2. Uggs

3. Wearing either neon or pink colors

4. Jeggings

photo credit: K J Payne

5. Giant sunglasses

photo credit: StephenMcleod – artistic moobs

6. Tall gladiator shoes

7. Anything with a crazy amount of ruffles

photo credit: Jesse Draper

8. Graphic tees with random and/or weird words or statements (E.g. ‘I heart your boyfriend’)

9. Baby doll dresses

10. Harem pants

photo credit: Idhren