Sex comes in many different flavors.
There’s loving and caring sex, adventurous sex, quick and spontaneous sex, neighborly sex, friendship sex, acrobatic sex, sex that follows from responding to one of those creepy Craig’s List ads in its “Missed Connections” section, etc.
And then there’s pornographic sex.
Pornographic sex is in a whole different category, I think. It involves people who are viewing, people who are filming, people who are thrusting with thespian motives…
I cannot watch porn.
I tried to watch porn, this foreign porn movie, I guess it was.
First, I was embarrassed to be watching porn, even though no one knew I was watching it; I kept looking around, and then, when I saw no one was judging me, I started judging myself because I thought, someone has to judge me; I mean, I’m watching raunchy Barcelonan porn.
Then, I had to be hard on myself for my lack of productivity. I was stern and had one part of my thinking self scold the other part – I have no idea how many parts of my thinking self there are, but there were only two active in this scenario, in case you were curious: It said:
Hey, Tasha. What the hell do you think you’re doing? What’s the point of watching porn if you’re going to be a nervous wreck the entire fucking time?
Inadvertently, though, the tension was dissolved with the comic relief provided by the pun, “fucking time.” Both parts of my thinking self reunited, hand-in-hand, and settled back down to the pornographic movie.
It appeared as though the cast – 6 young women and two young men – were taking advantage of their hotel and spa’s co-ed hot tub amenities. Everyone was getting naked – I couldn’t tell the two men apart, but the women were easily distinguished by their varying breast sizes. Most women had large bosoms and floppy bodies, though there was one woman who was the thinnest woman I think I’ve ever seen (she was virtually bosom-less).
I couldn’t take my eyes off of that woman. She was so thin that she looked emaciated – I was getting worried about her as the seconds passed; I hoped she was one of those naturally skinny women – one of those women who always tried to gain weight, the way other women work their asses off to lose it.
Then, the whole mood of the movie took a turn when the women all started making out with one another, and the men (kind of). I observed the scene with as much wonder as Diane Fossey had when she watched gorillas for the first time ever.
I wasn’t turned on. I was a little weirded out, actually. It would have been a perfect time to cock one eyebrow, but I never had that kind of muscle talent. So instead, I furrowed both eyebrows as best as I could. I was thinking that if anyone were to walk in on me, or if someone had, for some reason, planted some tiny spy camera in my room and was or would be watching me watch this crazy-ass orgy movie, they would know that I was an innocent, absolutely perplexed by it all.
I started brainstorming what I could say if it ever came up, so I could be half-surprised, totally-prepared by someone watching me watch porn.
I decided I’d go with, I downloaded this internet porn because I thought it was a foreign film – it was, but not the right kind.
I wondered if male porn stars were usually more attractive than these two and if that’s why people enjoyed watching porn movies so much.
Two answers to that one:
- No, people like sex and watching sex, and
- I’m regarding the American interest in American porn and there’s no way in hell any foreign porn stars could be sleazier and awkwardly attractive in a more disturbing way than American male porn stars; I don’t care what anyone says.
And then, my attention was diverted back to the screen again as the making out got crazier with the appearance of tongues all over the place, not necessarily licking anything.
This just grossed me out. I have a hard time sharing a glass with anyone, even; I’m very careful about whose saliva I allow near myself and the things my saliva will be coming into contact with – other people’s saliva is just nasty when it becomes communal.
But that’s when I noticed that the ridiculously thin girl’s tongue was missing out on the action. And it’s not like she wanted it to be.
There were two men, six women, and the thin girl seemed to be getting shafted. Or not. Whichever way you want to look at it.
The puns were popping into my head like there was no tomorrow.
I couldn’t help but compare her to a newborn puppy that was trying to feed, but couldn’t get to its mother’s nipples because all the other puppies were sucking on them.
I started getting incensed, taking the side of this emaciated underdog, wishing someone would just take pity and lick her or something.
Even when they moved to the conveniently-placed, folding beach chairs in a nearby room that I couldn’t decide was indoors or outdoors, and the guys started going at it, each with one of the women, and the other women worked to fondle the woman whose turn it was to be…”done,” no one fondled more generously than the thin girl.
And it seemed unfair because when it was her turn, the other girls did not repay the favor.
And, her time with the guy seemed too short, really, in comparison with the time the other girls got – unfairly short, really.
I felt bad for her. Then I got angry with her.
Have some self-respect!, I shouted at the screen, knowing she couldn’t hear me, and that even if she did, she wouldn’t understand me because I don’t speak Catalan. Walk away if you’re not wanted!
I gestured wildly as I shouted this.
It’s just not right how you’re being treated.
Then, with a sigh, I threw up my hands in resignation.
It was her decision.
I hoped she was getting paid handsomely for this, at least – she deserved the money more than the other cast members, as she was definitely committed to her work.
I watched the movie for about two more minutes before I had to shut it off, bored out of my mind and ironically very turned sexually off.
So that was porn, I thought.
And from this experience, I’ve concluded that I’m way too neurotic to watch anything like it ever again.