Five Ways to Say “I Love You” Like a Passive, Cowardly Maniac

Are you afraid to say the three words that will change your relationship forever?

Even if you really really are dying to say them?

Well, never you worry. Here are five ways to express the sentiment without actually going out on a limb:

1. Shave Your Body Hair into a Heart Shape.

If you’re a man, give some shape to your beard; if you’re a hairy man, shape your chest hair into a heart. If you’re a woman with dark arm hair, shave your message into it; if you have light hair, get creative down there!

2. Let Your Booty Do the Talking.

Women are always wearing sweatpants with messages written on their seats. But remember: love is not gender-specific. We all love; we can all wear pairs of pants that say “I love you” on their asses!

3. Buy the object of your affection a giant, heart-shaped mug with something corny written on it.

This will be especially effective if he/she enjoys coffee or tea. Nothing says “I love you” like a bear on a mug saying, “I love you.”

4. Learn how to blow heart-shaped smoke rings.

Then, when you’re smoking either hookah or a cigarette with your mate, blow the rings at them. He/She will be impressed and enamored!

5. Buy a pair of sunglasses with heart-shaped and pink-tinted lenses.

Then, when you go out for a nice, casual Sunday stroll, you can offer your love the glasses. When he/she asks why he/she has to wear them, say that you want he/she to see the world as you see it when you look at him/her.

If these ideas let you down…
man running

…and all else fails, just get on Google Translate and write down the translation to “I love you” in every language the free service has to offer. Then, convince your partner to sleep in the nude, wake up early, and use body paint to scrawl the message all over him/her. Just keep in mind that you’ll want to run like hell before he/she wakes up.