How to Pretend You Appreciate Expensive Wine (without really knowing what the hell you’re doing)

SwingLet me start off by saying that I actually do know the difference between the way a nice glass of wine tastes and the way a crappy wine tastes.

I know what I’m doing; thus, I can tell you how to pretend to know what you’re doing (without actually knowing how to do it).

There are actual reasons for doing all the steps below and they are well-documented elsewhere. Consider this a handy cheat sheet.

With that in mind, this advice will seem much less silly in situations where you’re sitting face-to-face with a date who has good taste in wine and assumes you do, too.

If you look like you know what you’re doing, you’ll impress the socks off him or her!

So, here’s your explanation-free quick guide to what to do if you need to look like you know what you’re doing when tasting expensive wine.

Just do as I say without looking insecure, and you may even be mistaken for a level one sommelier! (A sommelier is a wine expert, just in case you were wondering).

The Five Ss

My process involves using what I’ll call “The Five “Ss” in the following order: Sight, Swirl, Smell, Swish, and Sip.

By doing so and nodding after each step like you’ve understood something secret and profound, you’ll pull this off with no problem.

Step 1: Sight

Whatever you do, don’t drink the wine straight away; you have to observe it first.

  • Look at the wine. I mean really inspect it.
  • Hold it up to eye-level (by the glass’s stem), and try to see through it.
  • Nod slowly and slowly lower the glass to the table.

Step 2: Swirl

Turn your glass into a whirlpool:

  • Once the glass is securely on the table, grasp its stem between your fingers once again.
  • Then, without lifting your glass off the table (for safety purposes), gently swirl your wine around in your glass by moving the stem in little circles.
  • Do this for at least three seconds.
  • Nod.

Step 3: Smell

Now it’s time to smell your wine:

  • Lift your glass and stick your nose as far into it as possible – the bigger your nose, the better.
  • Make sure you get your nose out of there in time to exhale; it looks bad if you blow the wine around.
  • Nod.

Step 4: Swish

Hooray! You can finally taste your wine!

  • Take just a little bit of it into your mouth and hold it there.
  • Swish it around like you’re trying to embalm your mouth with it.
  • Make an “oooh! what a delightful surprise!” face.

Step 5: Sip

The hard work is all over.

If you need to say anything to your impressed partner, say, “what a lovely bouquet!” and move on. The rest is a piece of cake.

All you have to do now is sip the wine slowly for the rest of the evening, pacing yourself and nodding once in awhile.

Never gulp – always sip.

If you’re unsure whether you’re drinking too fast, just take a sip whenever your date does.

And that’s all there is to looking like you know how to appreciate good wine!

We all deserve the finer things in life, so I say fake it ’til you make it! If you keep doing this process, you’ll end up actually being able to appreciate good wine in no time

Now go out there and impress your date!



Creative Commons License photo credit: 96dpi

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