I’ve been on a few blind dates.
For a 24 year old who started dating at age 16, I’ve been on way more than most people my age. If I hadn’t eventually found a boyfriend (who I did NOT meet as a result of a blind date), and kept going on blind dates at this rate, by the time I turned 60, I would have gone on approximately 38 blind dates. So, by this logic, you could practically call me an expert on blind dates and dating.
And I’ve never been on a good blind date.
The thing is that I started out as one of those people who was just “up for anything.” And, I suppose one of the blind dates may have worked out if one of the guys I’d been set up with was also from the “up for anything” stock. But, sadly, I think I was set up with myriad guys because being “up for anything” seemed more accepting than “attractive and choosy.”
Anyhow, there’s a list of reasons why none of them worked out, but I’d like to alert those yentas out there who are looking to get their possibly oddly-matched friends together to start a romance that,
The idea isn’t to go: Well, we’ll see! This could be hilarious!
The idea is to go: Alright, it’d be great if this worked out, but if it doesn’t, will my friend/s ever trust and/or talk to me again?
And the thing is, I walked away from nearly every blind date with a different opinion of the matchmaker.
So, to save you from such shame, I’ve devised a 7-Step system for setting your friends up in good faith:
Step 1: Acquire a recent, wallet sized picture of each of your friends.
Even if you have to take new ones for the cause – your friends will preferably be facing in opposite directions in the pictures. Then, when no one’s around, hold the pictures side-by-side, in such a way so that your friends appear to be facing one another. Then, as though you were a little kid and having your action figures/dolls talk to one another, pretend they’re having a conversation.
Then ask yourself these questions:
- How did the conversation go?
- Did they seem like they could be a couple? That they matched?
- Did your friends like one another?
- Who thought who was hot?
Write down your answers and analyze to determine whether the conversation was successful. If it turned out not to be, take pictures of some of your other single friends and start all over again.
Step 2: Show each person the picture you took of his/her potential mate.
Ask what he/she thinks. Take notes. If the feedback is good for both parties, you may proceed to Step 3.
Step 3: Make a list of the reasons you think the two would get along.
And, if the only reason is that they both think the other is good looking, you’re in trouble – unless, that is, your friends are the vapid, soulless types.
Then, beside that, make a list of all the things they might fight about – if any of the issues seem big to you, drop it.
Step 4: Present your case to each of your friends, as well as all of the research you’ve done.
This way, if the date doesn’t turn out, they won’t think you’re all that crazy.
Step 5: Sit each friend down and watch “The Science of Sex Appeal” by Nova with him/her.
It’s not too long a documentary, so you won’t get bored watching it twice – and, everyone can always learn a thing or two as to how to better attract the opposite sex, so you’ll be benefiting as well from it.
Step 6: Arrange the meeting time and place, and try to have your own date to take.
I’ve only been on blind dates that were also double dates – that was much less awkward than if I had been left alone with some stranger – I’m not that great of a conversation starter. Besides, if the date goes well, the new lovebirds can just separate after the main activity.
Now, when you’re choosing a setting, make sure of the following:
- There’s something that both parties will like about it
- There aren’t any weird events going on there at the time you’re scheduling for the event
- It isn’t too snazzy or casual
- It is accommodating to conversation
Step 7: Things to do right before the date, perhaps the day before:
- Analyze your friends’ disgusting habits. And although they shouldn’t be glaring (or you’ll be in trouble), caution your friends against having them during the date, as tactfully or bluntly as needed. Remember, your sanity and reputation as a yenta is on the line.
- Make sure your friends look as close as possible to the pictures you took of them – Guys especially need help in this department, as they sometimes become bored with their facial hair and can go from preppy to mountain man in a matter of days, which is totally uncool to spring on the person you’re setting him up with (Sorry, Daria, I never meant to set you up with that chia pet over there; I didn’t know he could grow a shamanic beard that quickly – I swear to god he was clean-shaven last week!)
- Smell your friends and make sure they’re prepared to shower before the date; remind them that no scent is alluring in strong doses and that Dove Ivory Soap is not a perfume/cologne.
- Give them each a manipulative pep talk. A manipulative pep talk is much like a regular pep talk, except that it emphasizes the points you want the person to emphasize on his/her date, and pokes fun at the annoying/disgusting habits of that person, as though you didn’t know he/she did those things. Example: “He’s going to love you! You’re witty and charming and gorgeous! You’re not like every other girl he’s met who adjusts her boobs every three minutes and is obsessed with text messaging other people when you’re with him, you know?”
- Ask what he/she is planning on wearing. If it’s funky weird, suggest something else. Otherwise, just make minor suggestions, so that their clothes look as close as possible to those they were wearing in the pictures.
After you’ve successfully performed Step 7, there is nothing left for you to do. You’ve done everything you could and, in my opinion, you cannot be blamed in the unlikely event that the date bellies up.
But, don’t be surprised if they get married or something; if and when they do, you have the authority to take full credit for it and should demand some kind of honorary position in the ceremony.
Photo courtesy of wouter_kersbergen