Let’s face it – when you walk down the aisle, you want your groom with his mouth agape, wondering how he got so lucky. The perfect gown is crucial for delivering that perfect moment, transforming you from a mere mortal into a sort of glowing super-bride.
And the best thing about it is that the groom doesn’t even get to witness this transformation because he’s traditionally not allowed to see the dress before the ceremony. You leave him in jeans and then return to him wearing the incredible super-dress and he’s just standing there like, “wow! I’m going to marry her?!” And you’ll just have a smile on your face as you’re walking down, thinking, “I’m marrying him…” but under that, you’ll be thinking “Yeah…I’m a magical, glowing super-bride…”
And that’s awesome. That’s what’s supposed to happen. In fact, most of the gowns out there are incredible super-dresses. Most. Don’t be the woman who gets carried away with the wrong super-bride fantasy and makes the groom experience a medley of emotions in the twenty seconds between when he sees you in that thing and when he has to vow his eternal devotion to you – it’s not kind. You don’t want to be skanky-bride, silly-bride, six-year-old-bride, or just-plain-scary-bride.
So, with that said, avoid these following (or anything closely resembling these) horrid fashion creations like the plague:
1. Here’s a gown I found that could easily be misconstrued as having a whimsical, sea goddess-type appeal, what with the giant starfish and all. But take it from me: the only preternatural quality you’ll have will be the result of showing up for your wedding with a giant star centered on your stomach, kind of reminding your loved ones of a Care Bear.
2. Wear this gown and not only your love, but also all your guests (many of whom are relatives) will find themselves treated to an IMAX showing of your bosoms. On the other hand, this feature may prove helpful in drawing their attention away from the dress itself, which appears to be made out of a popcorn ceiling.
3. A gown this skimpy will mortify your beloved when you begin your walk down the aisle, leaving him to wait anxiously for the moment he’ll be able to whisper to you that you forgot to put your dress on. Meanwhile, the guests you pass by will be looking nervously at your backside, wondering whose gift you happened to sit on.
4. If you want your wedding to seem like it’s straight out of a fairytale, don’t forget to model yourself after one of the more attractive fairy tale characters and wear a grotesque dress like this one. The magic will be in your consideration of the details, such as recognizing that since the 1960s never produced any noteworthy fairytale princesses, it’s unlikely that your groom will find anything enchanting or whimsical about such a discordant color combination. I think it’s a fair assessment that no Disney character would even be caught dead wearing this.
5. It’s very hard to get away with a wedding dress that isn’t some kind of milky tone, much less one in this bubblegum shade. Even if bubblegum pink happens to be your favorite color and makes you feel all giggly and feathery-light inside, it’s not worth your lover likening you to the six year old flower girl.
6. This particular gown illustrates two key criteria that every wedding gown should be measured against before it’s even remotely considered capable of dazzling the groom: i) Just about anything dominated by a giant bow is hideous; one definitely shouldn’t be on your dress. ii) Make sure you don’t blind your beloved by selecting a dress fashioned out of highly reflective material.
7. A wedding veil is traditionally worn to accentuate a bride’s modesty. Not surprisingly, your groom may fail to detect this virtuous quality in you if your headpiece is borrowed from an old nanny or French maid Halloween costume.
8. If you’re looking to artistically express the many feelings your beloved inspires within you, you may wish to choose a medium that will do your work the most justice. Unfortunately, if you decide to wear your emotions on your gown, the paints may appear less like emotions to him and more like the aftermath of crashing into wet wall art.
8. There’s nothing about this bold gown that will transform you into the personification of everlasting love and devotion always envisioned by your groom. Whether or not you look ravishing in it, your wedding may prove an inappropriate time to dress like a dancer from the Moulin Rouge.
9. Your groom is likely to have some fairly strange thoughts when he realizes that you, his life-partner, chose to wear a gown constructed entirely out of toilet paper; he’ll probably not be consumed with the feelings of romance and passion experienced by most grooms. And just a quick thought: this would be one wedding where rain wouldn’t mean good luck for the bride.
10. This Valentino dress may convey a certain dreamy quality to you, if you’re a fashionista, but the odds are against your significant other’s appreciating it. From what I’ve gathered, extreme fashion tends to seem hyperbolic to most men, not attractive. If you were to walk down the aisle wearing this, you’re bound to launch your groom into a state of bewilderment.
11. Donning this dress may prove overstimulating to your beloved if he looks at it for too long. However, there’s a bright side to this overwrought and puffy garment: if you wear it, you’ll have no need for a purse; anything you might need can be used to fill your humongous sleeves, including two turkey legs, should you and your groom get hungry between vows.