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Ten Fictional Men I Wanted To Marry When I Was Six

We all formulate basic ideas of romance and love at some point in our early adolescences. Like most little girls, I dreamed of meeting someone and living the rest of my life out fairy-tale style.

My vision of the perfect mate was someone who was heroic, smart, determined, of a strong moral fiber, a highly skilled fighter, and interesting. Usually, he also had fabulously defined musculature.

With the bar set so high, the only males who fit such a description were often fictional characters.

Here’s what my Top Ten list looked like when I was 6 —
(in no specific order, as my fondness for these characters likely changed on a weekly basis):

1. Link – from the Nintendo game Zelda. My brother loved Zelda and I spent countless hours sitting next to him while he played, listening to him sing Link’s praises; I guess his appreciation ended up rubbing off on me. Besides, Link seemed to be close to my age – but, he was the only boy I knew who could wield a sword and pull off a green bonnet!

2. All of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – I actually loved the Ninja Turtles all so much that, after returning from dinner one night, I made my family stand around the living room while I staged my own wedding ceremony (my mother was very supportive) to each of the imaginary turtles. Michelangelo was first; he had a great sense of humor.

3. Aladdin – from the Disney version of Aladdin. He just seemed like he had great skin and really soft hair. Plus, he was really nice to animals and knew how to put up with hard women. I actually found him more attractive in his street urchin vestments than when he upgraded to his princely garb – I liked him just the way he was.

4. Westley – Cary Elwes’ character from the film version of The Princess Bride. He’s the only blonde-haired, blue-eyed guy I ever had a crush on. But he was just so witty! I watched The Princess Bride so many times that I ended up memorizing most of the script, handwriting it out tirelessly, and then re-enacting each scene with my third grade classmates. Westley and I belonged together. Around that time, I also tried to change my name to Buttercup and refused to answer to my own name.

5. Robin Hood – Kevin Costner’s character from the film Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. The character was just so charming and had such good values. Stealing from the rich to give to the poor and all that. I guess he was kind of blonde, too, but he didn’t have blue eyes. And he fought against the evil sheriff, with awesome theme music!

6. Bruce Lee – not really Bruce Lee, but Jason Scott Lee from the film Dragon, which, by the way, my parents allowed me to see way too young; I think I just really liked the idea of his pectoral muscles. The strange noises he made when fighting were a little hard for me to get over, but he more than compensated with his crazy-good jumping skills.

7. Michael Jackson – what girl didn’t have a crush on Michael Jackson in the early 90s? Though, I must say, I never appreciated the gold leotards. Not strictly fictional, but not strictly in everyone else’s reality either.

8. Edward Lewis – Richard Gere’s character from Pretty Woman, which I saw at a sleepover, much to my mother’s dismay. However, when I told her that I was in love with Edward, she immediately told me that I had to see Richard Gere in his modeling days. Thus began a full-fledged infatuation with Richard Gere that lasted into junior high.

9. The Rocketeer – Bill Campbell’s character could fly AND fight Nazis! Plus, he was a determined man in a uniform. If Jenny (Jennifer Connelly’s character) wouldn’t accept him, I was hoping he’d fall, even if heartbroken, into my outstretched arms.

10. Zeus – The Greek god. I had an idea of what he looked like from drawings, and he seemed like a really charismatic person: very good with women. The beard, I could do without, but on the upside, he’d never age. We could be young together for eternity, eating grapes atop Mount Olympus (his powers would prevent any potential nosebleeds), being serenaded by musical cherubs, and sneezing lightning bolts at rivals!

10 Trendy Looks that Turn Men Off

Have you ever noticed that most men can’t really stand fashion shows? Why is that?

Fashion shows should be a joy for them – watching  means getting to watch hot models strut around for an hour or so. Well, a lot of the fashions displayed can be kind of eccentric. Men don’t really understand the reason behind wrapping one’s body in so many crazy creations that designers come up with.

Similarly, I’ve heard so many women ooh and ahh over the fashions worn by Sarah Jessica Parker in The Sex and the City; I’ve also heard so many men say that her character’s wardrobe not only confuses them, but just totally obliterates her sex appeal.

“What IS that?” they ask, tilting their heads from side to side like puzzled puppies.

“It’s a dress,” I say.

In my opinion, the only ways to justify wearing outlandish, trendy outfits are by saying you’re paying homage to fashion, or by attributing  them to your own bold expressions that you don’t care about  anyone else judging.

Unfortunately, a lot of women adopt trendy styles because they think wearing the latest looks will render them both edgy and more attractive. Those women are, sadly, under a misconception.

Here’s 10 trendy looks that will actually turn off most men. So, wearer beware!

1. Leggings and legwarmers!

2. Uggs

3. Wearing either neon or pink colors

4. Jeggings

Creative Commons License photo credit: K J Payne

5. Giant sunglasses

Creative Commons License photo credit: StephenMcleod – artistic moobs

6. Tall gladiator shoes

7. Anything with a crazy amount of ruffles

faceless train
Creative Commons License photo credit: Jesse Draper

8. Graphic tees with random and/or weird words or statements (E.g. ‘I heart your boyfriend’)

9. Baby doll dresses

10. Harem pants

Creative Commons License photo credit: Idhren

Surprise Her! How to Buy Romantic Gifts For Your Lady

© photo credit: mexindian

Okay men: so your anniversary is steadfastly approaching and your lady is growing more lovey dovey by the day, reviewing the year’s experiences together in full, mentally logging all the reasons why you’re so great and dreamy.

You know you need to have some sort of a gift for her, something great. So you gun it to the mall and find the perfect thing after only half an hour of tearing through Best Buy! What luck! She’s going to love her new pair of…high-tech earphones?

No, she won’t. Even if you’re positive she wanted earphones and these are way better than the ones she was going to get. Even if they’re in her favorite color and have her initials on them. She won’t want them. Not now. . .

Unbeknownst to too many men, romantic occasions, such as anniversaries, call for romantic gifts.

These romantic gifts should express your feelings for her in a way that warms her heart and makes her feel special; they should be intimate gifts that she wouldn’t receive from just anyone.

A romantic gift should bring you two closer together, not drive you apart; presenting her with a pair of earphones leaves her to conclude that you’re just like every other guy, not a special one – you’re not romantic, but pretty much like every other schmuck boyfriend she’s had that gave her gift certificates or DVDs on Valentine’s day.

Don’t do that to her. It never turns out well for either of you. And, if she doesn’t make your very unsentimental gift an issue at the time, just know that it will likely come back to bite you in the ass at some point, even years down the road.

So, what type of gift qualifies as romantic?

Think in terms of the categories listed below, and think very hard in terms of what you know about her in respect to them – meaning, if I suggest flowers, as I do under The You’re Sweet But Broke category, and you give her a bunch of lilies, knowing that she’s allergic to them, you still come off an insensitive schmuck and you can’t blame it on me.

Also, under each of the categories are a couple examples to get you thinking on the right track. And I’m giving you options in a variety of price ranges, so choose according to your means.

Remember, the rule of thumb is that if you’re broke, it’s the thought and the sensitivity you used to pick out just the right gift for her that counts, dedicating your time and efforts to the cause. If you’re not broke, and you don’t cough up the funds for this heartfelt expression, you’re cheap.


Fluffy, live animals like bunnies, kittens, puppies, etc. work here.

A caveat: don’t get her a pet she can’t commit to or that will get her evicted. Also, don’t buy her a chick – they grow up and what the hell is she going to do with a rooster or a chicken wandering around her apartment

As an alternative, oversized stuffed animals also fit into this category.

Valentines Day Gift

© photo credit: Nikita Kashner


Go for the pretty, sparkly, real jewelry. Forget cubic zirconia – this is for your lady, not your Aunt Mildred with the wandering left eye who will wear any piece of jewelry, so long as it’s brightly colored and weighs over eight ounces.


Pick out pretty and feminine dresses or nightgowns with the assistance of a fashion-savvy, female family member.

Believe me, your girlie won’t be thrilled if she discovers your lovely friend Marisa, the one with the canyon cleavage, helped you pick it out – she’ll say it’s ugly; likewise, if it’s ugly because you had your Chico’s-sporting Aunt Mildred, who is typically robed in something that looks like a Jackson Pollock rendering, she’ll hate you a little and weigh the embarrassment of actually wearing it to make you feel good, against her love for you – not safe.

Also, this is not an opportunity to buy your love anything that has nipple tassels, or is vinyl or crotchless; if you’re good, maybe that will be your gift.


Expensive perfumes by designers you’ve heard of. Go for names like Gucci or Armani and find a scent you actually find appealing.


Get her spa treatments like massages, body wraps, facials,etc.


Take her on vacation or a weekend getaway.

If you can’t afford to take her to another country or state, pick the nicest place you can afford to take her that’s at least in a nice location, and whisk her away for a couple days. Bed and breakfasts are usually a splendid option.

If you can’t find one of those, or an impressive hotel, or if you find an impressive hotel , but it’s in a crappy location, make sure your room has a private hot tub – women like hot tubs and will forgive you the rest.


These gifts need to come in sets of twos or threes because they’re fairly paltry when gifted individually.

Boxes of gourmet chocolates from some specialty chocolate company (avoid Hershey’s like the plague if you don’t want to kill her – their chocolate all comes from Three Mile Island – you know, where that nuclear meltdown happened and has been giving inhabitants within a ten-mile radius all kinds if cancers ever since? Yeah, that one!), flowers, smaller stuffed animals, etc.

Caravaggio's Guitar Hero

cc: photo credit: Roberto Rizzato


This category is only for you if you’re genuinely a talented artist and people other than your family and life coach have confirmed that talent.

If you’re not really all that impressive, you’ll just kind of look sad when you attempt to create something for her. And, looking sad, though it will garner you all kinds of attention and, perhaps, smothering kisses and ego-stroking, she’ll feel less attracted to you and more like your mother, willing to wipe away your tears of good effort and intentions, falsely building your confidence until you’re once again right as rain and ready to go out and play, leaving her to clean up your creative enterprise and later tell her friends in a voice reserved for infants and poor significant others who’ve missed the mark, “…oh, but you should have seen how cute he was!”

But, if you do have a bit of magic up your sleeves, or in your vocal cords, hands, or any part of your right brain, go to town expressing all the romantic feelings you have for her through your creative medium.

So, that’s all you get.

I’ll leave you with these final words of wisdom:
an ex-boyfriend of mine once showed up at my house on Valentine’s Day with a half-eaten box of juju beans that he dug into on the drive over. He was rich and had plenty of chic female friends and relatives to advise him. My roommate at the time told me he was a schmuck a minute after he walked into our apartment, and then, every time i was upset with him, she reminded me of how big of a schmuck he was on that day.

Men: I suggest you aim somewhere on the opposite end of the boyfriend-achievement spectrum; take my advice and don’t be that schmuck.

Lipstickory: The Colorful History of Lipstick

Extra glossy, bright reds, neutrals, mattes, sparkly – with the number of new spins that make up companies put on lipstick, you’d think that it was a relatively new invention. But upon investigating the origins of lipstick, I surprised to discover that women over the past millennia have gone to great (though sometimes a bit unsavory) lengths for ultra kissable lips.

Check out this Colorful History of Lipstick:

3500 BC: Lipstick, a blend of white lead and crushed red rocks, is used and popularized by the Sumarian Queen Schub-ad; it turns out to be fairly poisonous, but that apparently stops no one.

1000 BC: Grecian prostitutes are the only women in their Empire wearing lip paint, which is mandate so that citizens are able to distinguish them from ladies.

700 BC: Grecian women dye their lips bright colors with a crazy assortment of ingredients including: seaweed, flowers, crushed berries, red ochre, crocodile dung, and various resins.

51 BC: Cleopatra uses a lip pigment made from crushed carmine beetles and ants; Egyptian society has sophisticates applying lip paint from wet sticks of wood, and each taking two pots of lip coloring with her into the afterlife.

386 CE: The ancient Chinese perfume lip balms made from mineral wax, animal fat, and vermilion, in as many as 12 different scents, including ageratum and clove.

1000 CE: Abu al-Qasim al-Zahrawi invents solid lipsticks in modern-day Spain.

1100 CE: Medieval Europe deem dark lip stains as licentious and ban them; innocent-looking blends of reddish roots and sheep fat in lily- or rose-colored tints are considered acceptable, however, since they look more innocent.

1200 CE: No one in Italy at this time really understands the prohibition of lip colorings and they continue to use them as tools for social demarcation – women higher on the social ladder wear bright pinks and those hanging onto the lower rungs wear deep reds.

1300 CE: Ancient Aztecs crush conchineal beetles to dye their lips scarlet – two hundred centuries later and the prospect of using the dye as a commodity excites the Spanish when they consider Mexico for one of their conquests.

1600 CE: Queen Elizabeth I says, ‘the hell with the ban,’ and paints her lips bright red, using a lipstick fashioned out of beeswax and plant dyes; she claims that lipstick is health-promoting and wears nearly half and inch of it when she grows sickly.

1770 CE: Any woman caught wearing lipstick could be tried by the British Parliament for witchcraft.

1860 CE: In Japan, geishas dissolve small sticks of color in water and apply them with delicate brushes to their top lips, painting only a curved stripe on their bottom lips.

1890s CE: Victorian Europe and North America once again regard lipsticks as promiscuous – women start biting and/or applying tinted “healing” salves to their lips for color.

1930 CE: The motion pictures popularize lipstick in Europe and North America, making the cosmetic pretty much socially acceptable in Europe and North America from here on out.

Music Video: Tommy Wallach’s Whisper

We’re completely in love with this delightfully hand-crafted, stop-motion music video for musician Tommy Wallach.

The shadow visuals and created movement are dark and deliriously delightful complements to the  song. Intricately and beautifully directed by Tallie Maughan.

If, like us, you have the burning desire to rush out and hear more of his work, you can listen/buy this track and more at his website — click here.

Bicyclists are Hot

Photo credit to Flickr's San Diego Shooter

Whether you’re a man or a woman, heterosexual, bisexual, or gay, there’s one thing you should always keep in mind: bicyclists are bound to be better in bed than the average nymphomaniac.


Well, after months of his persistent bribing and coaxing, my fiance (cyclist extraordinaire) finally succeeded in getting me onto a road bike and making me his bicycling buddy. Surprisingly, it didn’t take long until I felt comfortable riding. And once I did, I realized the true power of my hips.

One minute you’re white-knuckling your handlebars, the next you’re hands-free and ridiculously impressed with yourself.  You don’t know what happened, but it seems like you took a magic mambo pill. Your hips spring to life – they know what they’re doing, where they’re going, and they take control. Then, you think, ‘Whoa…I’m like sex in a bottle.’

And I haven’t even been riding for more than a couple months.

Therefore, when you date a bicyclist, it’s like you’re dating someone who’s studied the art of gyration. Plus, he or she has tons of other sexy bicycling-induced features – a firm tush, thighs that cooperate with one another for maximum gripping and squeezing action, and high muscle endurance!

On the flipside, if you’re incredibly desperate and couldn’t care less who your date is, so long as you get one, invest in a bike, make bicycling your new hobby, and hit the road to dramatically increase your appeal. And, who knows, you may even meet some hot bicyclist person on the right side of the gender street who’s been looking for a hot bicyclist partner to ride up and down steep hills with him/her.

Emoticons – Your Guide to Computer Lovin’

Photo Courtesy of wstera2

In today’s world, flirting over instant messaging is as common as it is over the phone. But how do we act so coy when we can’t giggle, bat our eyelashes or touch one another? Easy – emoticons! Various punctuation marks, strategically clustered, communicate all things love and kisses. Want a piece of the action? Use the following abbreviated guide to emoticon flirtation and make your next instant message conversation one worth saving to an external hard drive!

Expressing Emotion

:o  Surprise

:0  Big Surprise

=$  Goofy

&-l  Tearful

:-[  Pouting

:-# Embarrased

=^_^= Happy Blushing

\o/ Excitement


;;)  Batting Eyelashes

:*  Kiss

:D  Laugh

;)  Wink

:-{}  A Wet Kiss

:–P  Tongue Hanging Out

Role Playing

={D  Mustached Smile

<3 Ω  Love Bug

∫= Ω ;o  The Suave Frenchman

3:¬*} B  • ]>= M  Lady in Bikini on Beach

B>p ]   ÷  •  [ }  ==    Man in Swimsuit on Beach

Romantic Objects

<3  Heart

</3 Broken Heart

@—-\—- Rose

10 Opening Lines to Make That Hot Mailman YOUR Hot Mailman

When you find a man that shows up every day wind, rain or shine – hold on to him.

This article is dedicated to my friend Marie. Marie has a hot mailman.

She just happens to open her curtains and peer out the window every day, at the exact time the mailman happens to walk up to her house. He looks at her, she looks at him. He may think she’s creepy and spying on him; she thinks it’s mere coincidence. I think it’s fate.

But in the two years Marie’s lived in that house, she and the mailman have never exchanged more than a few words. It’s a shame – and if Marie never breaks the ice, it’ll be a complete waste of a perfectly hot mailman.

So, here are ten opening lines I’ve written so that she can get the proverbial ball rolling (Note that these can be used on any hot mailman):

  1. I love your car – it’s kind of like a sideways convertible!
  2. So, I feel so strange not knowing your name when you’ve seen mine hundreds of times.
  3. FedEx and UPS are way too fast for me. I like my delivery service to take its time.
  4. Wow, that’s a huge package! Is it for me?
  5. I really appreciate how reliable you are – whatever the weather, you always show up.
  6. I’m not from around here. I wondered if you knew of any interesting little places most people miss?
  7. Have you read The Postman Always Rings Twice? It’s my favorite.
  8. I wasn’t around for the holidays to leave you a gift, but I’d love to make up for it somehow.
  9. Blue. It’s such a great color on you.
  10. You know, I don’t even have email.

So, there you go…10 opening liners to make that hot mailman your hot mailman. Now, go get ’em, slugger!

Kablooey! 5 Ways to Celebrate Every Kiss 4th of July Style

Sparkler heart

Fireworks. There’s just something magical about those explosives. They’re loud, exciting, colorful, romantic, and have the ability to make you live in the moment. If only every kiss could have that electrifying quality…

Well, it can. Here are 5 ways to celebrate the spirit of 4th of July any day you want:

1. Pop in some pop rocks. Yeah…give your kiss an extra kick by holding a couple pop rocks in your mouth while your make out with your partner. You’re sure to feel the spark between the two of you when you create your own private fireworks show!

2. Snap some bubble wrap. There’s nothing like that 4th of July moment when you close your eyes and lean in for a kiss – you can’t see the fireworks, but you know they’re there; you can hear them as they’re peppering the sky.  Get the same effect with bubble wrap! Place a sheet or two between you and your kissing buddy – in any place your bodies are sure to make contact; as you kiss, see how many bubbles you can pop. My guess is you’ll start off slow and work into a finale! (For different intimacy levels, experiment with different sized bubbles.)

3. Motion-activated disco ball. Experience the magic and the flashes of color as you keep the celebration going! Need I say anything more?

4. Let Arfy and Tobias sparkle! You know those glow in the dark stickers you can get at Target or any game store? They sometimes come in the shape of stars and constellations. Well, attach a bunch of them to your dog’s and/or cat’s collar (or, if your dog’s wearing a sweater, you can stick them to that). When you’re kissing your partner that night in a dark room, you’ll be surrounded by the moving lights as each pet moves and jumps around. Note: NEVER attach anything sticky to your pets’ skin/fur – you’d be cruel by purposefully doing so, and we’d automatically hate you.

5. Light up your night with Lite-Brite! Remember that toy from your childhood wherein you popped little, peg-shaped light bulbs into thick, black paper to make fun designs? Well, set the stage by creating your invigorating designs in any color on Lite-Brites and strategically placing them around the room in which you intend to have your kiss. And then when you kiss your kissing buddy, start outside the room and back them into it. When the door’s closed, you’ll both get to enjoy the bursts of color between your fluttering eyelashes!

Now you can enjoy your fireworks without getting depressed when the 5th rolls around! Just try out some of these silly ideas and infuse any make out with a little bit of fireworks’ magic.

Creative Commons License photo credit: Scoobymoo

10 Things That Make a Film Fit for Date Night

Movie Night

Illustration by Josh Shayne

There are varying opinions as to what makes a movie suitable for a date night. The two I’ve heard most often usually come in the form of guy advice, since the guy’s expected to have a film in mind, or come up with one, if he’s asking a girl to the movies.

I’ve heard that the guy should pick a “scary” movie – the girl may get all nervous and cling onto him for emotional support or “protection” (you know, in case the Blob unexpectedly gains admission to the theatre, slithers down the center aisle and oozes into the couple’s row, the guy can whisk his date from her seat and hop with her, from seat back to seat back, Roberto Benigni style, toward the Exit door down by the screen).

The other advice I’ve heard is that the guy should choose a chick flick, as it always involves some sort of romantic scene that ought warm his date up. She’ll end up wanting that kind of passionate romance for herself and her date will probably be the next guy she ends up seeing; thus, she’ll figure he’s just the man to do the romancing. It will probably be agony for the guy to get through the film, but hey, the pay off is supposed to be worth it; his odds of hooking up with his date should be dramatically increased!

Well, who could guess that I find these two suggestions completely absurd.

The woman who responds to these two scenarios in such ways is either dim-witted, has a suspension of disbelief that ought to be analyzed by a team of Freudian psychologists, is playing along because she wants the same thing the guy wants, or is dating in the 1950s.

On my first date with my fiancé, we went to see “Pan’s Labyrinth.” And though that film is awesome for a number of reasons, it did scare the hell out of me. I didn’t know him very well at the time, so instead of grabbing onto his bicep for emotional support during various scenes, I cupped my hands to my eyelids and waited for them to end. We hardly spoke when driving away from the theatre, and didn’t end up having a second date for another year!

What I’m saying is to choose your film wisely, so that even if it ends up being bad (you can’t predict that the film will be good or not, unless you’ve seen it ahead of time), at least the two of you should be in a fairly decent mood when it’s over.

date pornTry to choose a film that meets the following criteria:

  1. It was given good reviews by tough critics
  2. It was suggested by your date
  3. It either won or was a runner up in a prestigious film festival (think Cannes or Sundance)
  4. It’s lighthearted or conveys some kind of uplifting message
  5. It’s not about a bad or bizarre relationship
  6. It’s not about anything creepy or disgusting (no disturbing voyeurs or characters that are pretty much repulsive)
  7. It doesn’t deal with a controversial subject – even if the two of you have the same viewpoint, it’s not really romantic to get worked up over a tense issue
  8. It’s not considered a “chick flick” or an “action flick”
  9. It’s not overly crass, sexual, or juvenile – no films like Happy Gilmore or Step Brothers
  10. It’s a film you genuinely believe will be enjoyable to both of you

Remember, it’s always good to ask around for a good film suggestion, especially if you’re asking for one from a member of the opposite sex. Good luck!

Creative Commons License photo credit: debaird™