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“Will Make Bed for Sex”

Frat boys don’t have the right idea.

In fact, it’s amazing to me that they get laid at all.

Women are all about feeling – the mood – when it comes to sex. If a guy’s room is scary, gross, weird, or too adorable (which is also weird), sex is a no-go activity.

This is probably why some women do what is now called “The Walk of Shame” when they make beelines to their homes from frat houses the morning after sex with its residents: they’re ashamed they’ve slept with guys who actually tacked posters of other naked women on their walls.

I’ve been in these frat house rooms. I’ve been in the rooms of musicians, athletes, engineers, painters, techies, you name it. All men’s rooms. Just friends.

But you know why many of them remained just friends? Because of their rooms. Because of that which they chose to adorn their walls with, that which they chose to allow me to see. Stupidly made decisions, really.

It’s not like I was licentious back then. But it was college, for God’s sake; if there was ever a time to have promiscuous sex, that was it – and let’s just say I was fully aware of this.

Anyhow, I’ve been majorly disappointed to find that earning a college degree is not directly proportional to emotional maturity.

And it’s not just the naked pinups – though I must just say this…if you’re a guy and you have a naked woman on a poster in your room or living room, most women just assume you’re fooling around with yourself when you’re alone with it.

And really, if a guy were getting some on a regular basis, would he need a poster to masturbate to? Honestly, tacking up a poster of a naked woman and masturbating to it is basically analogous to playing with an imaginary friend, and just as pathetic.

Plus, it’s a vicious cycle: No sex –> masturbate to poster –> woman comes in room and is grossed out by poster –> woman leaves -> no sex –> masturbate to poster.

It’s sad…

GET RID OF THE POSTER!

To continue:

Men still don’t know what they’re doing in their rooms. Even if they don’t put a pinup on the wall, there’s other things they do that freak women out. I’m not saying all women are freaked out by these things, but many are. So, here’s a list of things to avoid.

(And, not to worry, women are also at fault for sometimes booby trapping their rooms with pieces they consider pretty, romantic, or just plain “fun.” But these things are not fun, decorative, or pretty items. No. Men usually find them repulsive, scary, confusing, or even a combination of the three. But I’ll get to this…)

Let’s start with the men.

Hey men! Avoid these ten items and you’ll at least be on neutral ground:

  1. Pinups – is there an echo?
  2. Really dark paint colors
  3. An absurd amount of technology – wires, large monitors, the works; from now on, you’re a minimalist. 2009 Apple Workstation (Front)
  4. Strange weaponry
  5. Anything that makes you laugh because you think it’s disgusting, weird, or stupid
  6. Giant posters of Bob Marley – unless you’re a Rastafarian and a pot-head
  7. Posters of John Belushi drinking beer – it’s scary to find out that you glorify a character who poured a bottle of mustard down the front of his shirt
  8. Trophies – your mom may have been super-impressed, but we consider your arrogance meter to climb a notch per trophy
  9. Collection of beer and liquor bottles – they’re not decorations (not even the expensive ones); they just kind of say you have no actual interests and that you may or may not be an alcoholic.
  10. A wall-sized movie poster of “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas”

Alright, and now for my gender: the ladies.

I’m sorry to admit that we can also be totally clueless in the decoration department.

A man may find a woman attractive because she’s feminine, but that usually only goes so far. You know you’ve gone overboard on the girly thing when you’ve forced your four-legged friends into pink dresses and decorated your habitat with the following:

  1. Mosquito nets – yes, I have also fallen prey to this girly device (so this one is coming from personal experience). Men hate this damn thing, and I’m convinced it makes them dream of being manly fish caught in fishing nets; they all seem hell-bent on trying to escape from and destroy your mosquito net in their sleep.
  2. An unbelievable amount of pink – sometimes too much pink can send men into anaphylactic shock
  3. Dead flowers – these are creepy and either a little bit morbid to men, or they remind a man of his Great Aunt Mildred’s house (which also smelled weirdly)
  4. Excessive amounts of pillows
  5. All the stuffed animals you’ve ever been given – these are especially unsavory when each comes with a personal history
  6. Anything involving unicorns or rainbows – you had a chance to decorate your room with these things when you were five; that chance has passed.
  7. A collection of Disney-related items – they say, ‘She’s not sexy.’ And if you are otherwise sexy and have this stuff, they say, ‘She’s creepy sexy.’
  8. A gigantic photo collage on the wall with pictures of all your friends, ex-boyfriends, and everyone you’ve every met
  9. Giant, paper mâché lights in various shapes – stars are the worst…unless they make heart-shaped ones (then those would be the worst)
  10. He's good at that1950s-style posters with pictures of different women, looking all 1950s-house-wifey, next to ironic, dry-humored captions

And if you find yourself with a man or a woman who adores your room just the way it is, I suggest you marry that person. Because, while you may think I’m just clueless in my composition of these lists, that members of the opposite sex can tolerate your gender’s annoying decorative preferences, they can’t, and you’ve found yourself someone who is likely to be highly sought after as he/she has the supernatural gift of being able to tolerate just about anything.



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