In our society especially, maintaining your status as a manly man means sauntering around like a superhero in street clothes. And superheroes express themselves by displaying their might, grunting when things get tough (or something’s a little heavy), and laughing in clusters of three “ha”s.
Superheroes do not cry.
Writers of the show Lois and Clark had Superman cry once. That show is no more.
Crying is a delicate matter for a manly man, especially if he’s crying in front of a woman. Women will make assumptions about a man who cries, whether they admit to it or not. If a manly man doesn’t proceed with caution, it’s likely he’ll besmirch his shiny masculinity with such an open display of his feelings, especially if he’s displaying them to a woman who doesn’t know him all that well.
Thus, if you’re manly man and you’re in a situation where the floodgates are parting and there aren’t any available bathrooms to which you can run for cover, follow these guidelines and you’ll keep your masculinity above the water:
1. LOOK LIKE THE MAN YOU ARE
The most important advice I have is to try and make yourself look attractive in a very masculine way. Meaning that you might be one of those sexy, dark skin men who can pull off pink shirts, but forget about it here. Pink is not going to help you look like a manly man in the event that you get all weepy.
Note: If you’re blonde and sporting pink, you might as well be wearing spandex and leg warmers.
And, if looking attractive is just not going to happen for you, the problem is easily solved by hitting the gym and producing impressive biceps and pectorals. You want to look like an imposing figure, even during moments of weakness. And just being overweight won’t work to make you seem bigger in a manly sense (unless you’re chubby with impressive biceps and pectorals) – you really don’t want the ‘big baby’ label; babies aren’t men.
2.DON’T TALK, DON’T GESTURE
Avoid the temptation to express yourself in any way mid-sob.
You want your voice to maintain its manly tenor; mid-sob speaking has your voice staggering around between alto and soprano land, Jiminy Glick style.
Your best bet for keeping a tight grip on your masculinity is through a dignified silence. Else, you’re certain to emit whiney baby vibes. And if woman responds favorably to whiney baby vibes, it’s not because she considers you a man who’s in touch with his emotional side (though she may refer to your emotional display as such out of courtesy or confusion):
It’s because, more likely than not, she’s always wanted to have a baby, and now she’s considering that having you is basically the same thing. Minus the hospital bills and the stretch marks.
Gesturing mid-sob is out, too, since you’ll end up flailing like a little birdie.
3. LYING YOUR ASS OFF IS A SURVIVAL TACTIC
If it’s the first time you’re crying in the presence of a woman, act like (but don’t tell her that) you’ve never cried before:
Touch the first of your tears and feign surprise upon discovering your cheeks are wet. Overact. Sweep away the first few tears with your finger tips and examine them in disbelief, like some people would when they discover they’re bleeding.
But no, you’re not most people – you’re used to bleeding. You’d look at blood like you’d look at your neighbor. Blood’s familiar to you. You bleed all that time; you’re a man!
Crying is what’s unfamiliar to manly men.
“What are these wet things sliding down my face? How’d they get there…Oh no, sweetie!” you’ll say in disbelief. “I think I’m crying…quick, call emergency services!”
Then later, make sure to tell her you haven’t cried since childhood, She’s the only one you’ve cried with, and it seems she awoke a part of you that you didn’t even know existed.
This way, if you cry around her in the future, she’ll blame herself.
4. LET THE WOMAN GET YOU A TISSUE
And under no circumstances should you ask for or go get one. Doing such a thing reveals that you’ve done this kind of thing before. That you know what you’re doing.
Keep in mind: tissues belong to the satiny world of baby bunnies and flowers, of which women are the guardians. The rule is that to acquire one for sniveling purposes (if you’re sick or have allergies or something, you’re off the hook on grounds of sinus overload), it must be given to you by a woman.
And so what happens if you’re a mess and no tissue gift has been bestowed upon you?
Go for the sleeves, guys.
Gross? Yes. But you’re a man, so suck it up: it may gross the woman out, and she may get mad at you for not just getting a tissue yourself, but believe me: she doesn’t want looting in her world.
Also, she’ll likely get you a tissue if she sees you going for your sleeve.
5. MANLY MEN DON’T POUT
Find a balance between face scrunching and overly deadpanning. You’ll want to keep your lower lip from quivering and protruding.
Manly men don’t pout unless they’re doing it to try and be cute – and it is cute then, but definitely not when they’re doing it for real; it’s quite scary, actually.
If you’re worried at all about your lower lip’s behavior, just tilt your head down so that your chin becomes less prominent; It’ll look like your pain is deeper and more worthy of being cried over.
6. REWRITE HISTORY
This last piece of advice is relevant at a point in time after your little rain shower, on the off chance that you’d want or have to refer to it as something.
Be careful which word/s you use. Avoid words like crying, weeping (oh god, definitely avoid saying you were weeping), sobbing, etc.
In fact, try not to call it anything at all, if possible. If you can’t, and must refer to your “episode” (another term you want to avoid), just call it “the time when you became rather teary-eyed” – it sounds better. And kind of British.
And you know, James Bond is the epitome of manly men.