Dear irresponsible parents of noisy and rambunctious children,
I have an appeal for you. Well, two actually. And then, I’d like to close with a little motivational information for you.
Please read the entire appeal, even if you don’t want to hear it…I have to listen to your children – the noisy and rambunctious children of the world – for hours sometimes when I absolutely don’t want to; it seems only fair you read this letter, which should only take a few minutes.
Appeal #1: Stop bringing your children to cafés. Maybe the babysitter is sick. Maybe you are tired and trying to suck the energy out of your coffee latte before undergoing three hours of pushing Billy or Daisy on the swing.
Not only do I understand, but I’ll even give you a hug, if you’d like.
Okay, but now that you realize how nice and understanding I usually am, try to reciprocate just a little bit.
Do you see me over there working? Or that guy who’s reading and keeps snarling periodically as he glares over the top edge of his page. He has been trying to read that page for the last half hour. And I’ve read that book; it’s good and a quick read.
There are also two men over there in the corner – they are the only ones in here with ties on, if you hadn’t noticed…by the look of them and the attachés at their shiny-shoed feet, I’d say they were having a meeting.
(Usually, meetings are scheduled events with time constraints. Sometimes people will even travel across the world to have them!)
Now, if I can’t hear myself think because your noisy and rambunctious bundle of love is screaming his head off and running around the cafe tables, I tend to believe that those two men can’t hear one another.
Maybe you could do something about that?
Appeal #2: If you simply must take your noisy and rambunctious bundle of love to the café – to the potential detriment of everyone else’s day – would you mind teaching the noisy and rambunctious bundle of love the golden rule or something?
If you don’t know how to and are looking for an example, maybe I can help you with an idea. Give your noisy and rambunctious bundle of love a toy; then, when he starts playing with it, pick it up, wander around absent-mindedly with it, then act like you’re going to give it back… and then wander around absent-mindedly again. Then explain that such a thing is equivalent to the torment café-goers are subjected to when there’s screaming and running around them.
Now, I’d like you to know that since you decided to start bring your noisy and rambunctious bundles of love to the cafe, condom sales have gone through the roof.
Without submitting to either of the above two appeals, the human race may soon become endangered.
I’ve spoken to several people in their mid-20s about the prospect of child-rearing and found that only a select few were gung ho to have children (many did want offspring a few years ago, but recently gritted their teeth and said, “mmm…never mind…”).
One of them said he was saving up for a vasectomy.
And of those potential future parents, all have vowed (without prompt, I might add) to never let their children run amuck in cafés, disturbing would-be reproducers, and that they would teach their children either the golden rule, or about its eastern cousin, karma.
I just thought I’d let you know, on behalf of the stressed out café-goers of the world, that we love you, have compassion for you, but really really would prefer to spend our cafe experience as we’d envisioned it when we bought our espresso drinks and fruity green teas – not wallowing in our own self-pity at the prospect of sharing the cafe with your noisy and rambunctious bundle of love for however much longer you decide to have your oblivious coffee klotch.
I’m done now.
Tasha N. Shayne